Dilemas

I am breaking one of my cardinal rules tonight with my blog.   I had a rule that I wouldn't blog alone or at night when no one else is up.   Well tonight the blog running thru my head is much too loud and preventing sleep.   It has been an interesting day for me today.   I applied for a loan today.   We owe a lot of money still to pay for our son at the boys ranch.   I was denied the loan.   I have no desire to moonlight and as it turns out we have extended my credit beyond what it can take.   I have most of the debit in my name because I have thebest credit score and have been able to get the loans.  Well I was denied because my debt to credit ration is too high.   So now what do I do.   I might try to re-apply and use it to pay down some debt to free up some other money to send to the ranch.   My son, well stepson,  who is at the boys ranch.   I consider him my son and I regret not once sending him to  a place he can get help.  I am so supportive of him and love him.   I would sacrifice so much and have sacrificed so much to get him the help he needed.   This isn't about blame on anyone.   It is about being in crutch time.   I will cut everything I can for me personally but I will not have either of my son's suffer but how do I make this work.  My husband doesn't really have any suggestions at this point.   I am not sure how we make this work.   The credit card will have to continue to go up to send the extra money to the ranch all the while making sure my sweet little boy does not miss a single opportunity.   How do you make $12,000 drop out of the sky?   I have no idea.   I feel disappointed and dimmscouraged about being in this position.  When I was a single mom before I made sure my  son was well provided for and I cut everything for me.   It is hard to think after so much hard work and turning things financially around that I am in the same position only worse.   Usually I can problem solve so well but this is one problem I can't seem to figure out.  The biggest change I can think of in myself is that I am somehow trusting  in God to somehow keep us afloat to provide the answer.   A year and a half ago I had lost total hope in my situation and had given up.   Now I am trying to have peace and trust in God.   I will not lie that the financial issues definitely can ruin my mood very quickly and put me in a shell.   I don't feel that I can trust my husband to fix this although ultimately he is responsible for paying for his son.   But a marriage is supposed to be a team right.    I read once that 75% of all second marriages fail because of money and kid issues.   I can see that being the case.  Second marriages are hard and we both are working so hard and I love my husband.   If only we could decrease the stress.  We are still happy except when bringing up money issues then there seems to be a split.  I guess I am the one pulling away.   Maybe I need to let go a little and let him try to figure out how to pay for our son????  Such a delicate part of the relationship and where is the boundary??  Who is responsible for what.   How to strike an emotional balance for both of us.   The other continued issue is religion, spirituality, denomination or whatever you want to call it.  My husband is very critical still of the denomination that I attend.   I did make a couple of comments about an author he is reading and he immediately attacks my denomination.  Ahh we are such a work in progress.

So I realized I only seem to write the negative emotional experience so here goes a positive one.   My husband and son's relationship has slowly, slowly grown and improved.   My son has been calling my husband dad as of late.   Today my son told my husband to call him son.   My son also said he didn't want to go to his bio dad's house over the weekend because he wanted to stay with my husband.   It is amazing to see the two of them together.  They both have such fun together and look so comfortable together.  I no longer hear mommy, mommy, mommy all day long which is awesome and a little sad all at the same time.  Tonight my husband says to me I never thought I would be that guy.   I said welcome to being a dad.  You will be rewarded your whole life for the effort and heart you have given that little boy.  It is so genuine between them and you can see the pure love between them.   I thank and praise God for this.   I hope that my husband is able to be a different kind of Dad to the rest of his kids.   I am not sure how to address my son's new feelings for my husband and how this effects his relationship with his bio dad.   My husband has been more of a dad then my sons bio dad.   But at the same time neither my husband or I will stand in the way of his relationship with his bio day.   I pray for some divine wisdom on this one.   Well time for bed.   Tomorrow is a busy day with a full nights sleep much less with a short night.  Starbucks in the am

Denial, Relapse or just very tired?

So I haven't blogged in quite sometime.  Seems like I have allowed myself to just go off the grid so to say.    I feel like I am in a bubble and don't really want to get out.  I just feel like I want to be left alone.   If I could I would take my son and move to the mountains.  Have a nice veggie garden and just be a hermit.   Not sure why I feel this way.   My counselor keeps telling me I am depressed and I keep saying no that can't be it I am just tired.   Tired of always being the responsible person.   Is it wrong to just want to disappear for awhile.   I haven't been answering emails or really just participating in life.   I haven't been riding with the church group or even remotely thought about joining this running group I know of.   I am definitely withdrawn, my appetite has been poor, and sleep has become an issue.   I even want to quit counseling and just let it ride.    When does depression stop?   Will I ever get better?   I am tired of doing everything I am supposed too for this issue.   Maybe this is as happy as I will get.    I am not so depressed that I feel like crying all the time for the most part I am still very functional.   I work,  handle family issues, workout, spend time with my sweet boy and my husband.   I just feel like I am in a bubble and I am tired of talking about stuff--can't it just get better on it's own.    Last night my husband asked me how was counseling and I responded we talked about the usual nothing new or earth shattering.   This is the first time I haven't gone into detail and at 10 pm at night I didn't want to get into it because I knew we where both tired.   I am angry too.   Frustrated.   I feel like I am the only one taking responsibility for my step son financially who is currently living at a boys ranch.   I am tired of hearing my husband complain about his job when I have invested so much.   It would be nice to feel as if he could contribute too.   I had looked into maybe doing some moonlighting but don't think it would be feasible.   I feel very sad now.   I suppose I didn't want to actually have to deal with these issues.   I just wanted to ignore and hope they go away.   I just needed a break from dealing with things.   In the mean time I have totally lost all contact with other people.  I guess the financial stressors have made me not trust my husband to do his part and therefore I feel like maybe I can't trust anyone.   So much of my life has been filled with disappointments at every turn about feeling abandoned and not supported.   Makes me just revert back to go it alone, trust no one, do it yourself, and be responsible for everything.   I really have stopped letting my husband in to the placed in my emotional life I need him.    I need to tell him  how I feel about our financial situation and how I need him to keep contributing in every way he can.   We are pretty close to being in real trouble at this point.   Seems like every time we try to dig out someone is more quickly digging behind us.    Do I have a good paying job, yes and I am very blessed to do the job that I love but I don't want to handle every financial situation just because I have the potential to earn more.    After I got divorced I cut my budget to nothing.   TV, internet, home phone--all gone.   Sold my car for a car with a lower payment, refinanced the house and turned things around.   I took complete financial responsibility for everything of my current husband and to continue to do that 2 1/2 years later still hurts, makes me feel taken advantage of.   I know he is not doing it maliciously  but it is still  happening.   I don't want to carry this family forever.   If I was a single mom I would have the financial ability to work 4 days per week and be more involved with my son.   When you are looking up from a deep financial hole you start to think about things like this.   I have kept all of this frustration from my husband and I am not sure why.   Seems like he just gets frustrated and does not want to talk about it.   He doesn't like his job and would like to do something in ministry but can't because of our financial situation, well I guess it is his.   I had my stuff together before we where married and he didn't.   I feel like he needs to realize  and take responsibilities for the decisions he made in his life before me and also realize that  he needs to be grateful for what he has now but not take it for granted.   I feel like my money and ability to earn money has been taken for granted and maybe advantage of especially when he complains about his job or the fact that he doesn't have the ability to do what he wants.   Well I worked my tail off to have the job that I do.   I have a career that is fulfilling and I enjoy very much what I do and this is the place God wants me to be, the career he wants me to be in.   I understand my husbands frustration over not having that feeling but he has to own up to the decisions he made to get married the first time very young and have kids when he was young.   That is not my fault or issue or anything I need to be responsible for.    I did and do take responsibility for his son who is away right now.   Not because of anything to do with my husband and my relationship but because I view him as my son too and I want him to have every opportunity to make a good future for himself and to be a Child of God.   Instead of my husband rising up to my level financially he has pulled me into the pit with him.   I guess this is such an issue right now because we need to finish paying off the boys ranch and I am not sure how that is going to happen.   Every month the minimum balance on the checking account gets lower and lower which is stressful.   We have really no back up in case of emergency.   Maybe it is hitting me harder right now because I took vacation time off every thursday to spend time with my sweet boy and I would really like to have that be a permanent thing.  Maybe  it is I am a little more sensitive now to my husbands complaints and desire to do something else.    I don't want to be depressed anymore and it frustrates me also.  I love my husband very much and I enjoy the time that we spend together he definitely is my partner in life.   God brought us together for a reason and I trust God.    I know I need to talk to him and to embrace my anger but at the same time believe that he will still love me that he won't turn his back or shut me out emotionally.   Things he has never done in the past but things from my past from my ex-husband.   They say old habits are hard to break and this is one of them.   Me being open to trust in him to trust anyone because I really don't want to be hurt again.   I would say the answer to my blog title would after all be depression.   No matter how much I try to ignore it, deny it, it is there.   When will I be able to get happy and be free again.   I wish I had the answer.    I need to recommit to telling the truth to myself, embracing help and trusting in God.  No matter how much I just want to be in my bubble and be off the grid. 

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4