Saturday I cried(well at least on the inside)

Today I am feeling a little unsettled and anxious.  Saturday I had a counseling session and a lot of things came out.   I lost my best friend to Leukemia and my great grandma(Nanny) died in about a year when I was 11 maybe 12.   I never grieved the loss.   I never had the support from my parents to ask how I was doing.   No grief counseling and for sure no tears.  I didn't go to my friends funeral or visitation.   I remember having the stomach flu.   I never said goodbye.   Never got to make my peace.   In all reality I don't think I went because I had no idea how to handle the situation.    She had been sick for awhile and so I suppose as a mechanism of handling the situation I blocked her out on my mind.  She had been out of school and couldn't have friends over because of her being immunocompromised.   I guess in a cruel way I was doing what I had been taught.   Put a wall up and not just any wall, the strongest biggest emotional wall possible.   I was cold on the exterior but probably conflicted on the inside.  I suppose I would have loved a tender moment where my parents hugged me, said "I Love You", and offered an opportunity to speak my feelings.   That didn't happened as has never happened.   The thought of that makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable.  The wall goes back up and my mind says I am tough I don't need anyone.  Don't show weakness not to them.   They don't get the opportunity to hurt me again.  To many times I let the wall down, to many time I trusted them with my emotions and my emotional health and they killed it which almost killed me.   I suppose there is a small amount of anger there..   I have tried to talk to them in the past but what has been the point did I get the moment that I wanted no.   I suppose there is too much pent up anger now or fear for me to even try again.   My relationship with my parents is all I think if will ever be.   I forget the hurt of the past.   When I went to college I chose not to play basketball because I was scared to return after ACL reconstruction.  ACL reconstruction was not so common then and I wanted to walk and be active at 30 so I decided to stop playing.   I remember very clearly standing in my parents room and telling them my decision.   I also remember the anger from my dad and him saying I was making the biggest mistake of my life and my mom was crying.  They both had regrets in their life blah blah blah.   I stopped listening until my dad said---well we have no money for college for you.   You always told us you were going to get a scholarship so you are on your own.   We won't pay for this decision.   I think this was about a month before school started.   Thank goodness I had applied myself in high school and had won a lot scholarships.   I would be able to make it.   I got a job working food service in the dorm washing dishes to help.  There are numerous times when this has occurred when I stepped out of the mold their dream and I was penilized.   Even as I  write this I try to qwell my anger.   Not sure why.   My counselor has said I need to explore anger as an emotion in my life.   I always thought it was a waste of time and never changed any situation for the good at least in my world.   I am not sure how I define my relationship with my parents.   I don't harbor anger against them at least not consciously.   I appreciate the fact that they help me out with my son.  Maybe I have resolved to never need them emotionally again and that is why I am not angry.   I know I want to be a different kind of parent.   I know that I will tell my son multiple times a day I love him and hug him. I also want him to grow up with a complete set of tools in his toolbox.   Writting this blog went a hole different direction then expected.   I feel hurt, I have a headache and yes my counselor I probably feel angry.