Back to the Beginning

I was reading a book last night entitled Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. He brought up the fact that we often emotionally or spiritually get stuck in a point in life and can't get past it unless you go back and heal from it before totally moving your life forward.  Like you missed some vital skill you need and you have to travel back in time to pick up that skill. I thought about this last night while laying in bed and I wondered about my past. I also remember my Psychiatrist asking me how long have you been depressed and I was surprised when the words "my whole life" popped out.
I have heard that I was an anxious preschooler.  I guess I cried and never wanted to go but settled down quickly when I went there.;I don't really remember having any anxiety or being shy as a child.  I do remember times where pressure was placed on me at a very young age. My older brother is very intelligent and started reading thru the encyclopedias at age 7. I had my first grade gym teacher tell me that I would be a basketball star for the high school some day. The deadly combination of brains and athletisem. I also grew up in a family where emotions were not emphasised, encouraged or even discussed how to handle. It was almost like the don't ask don't tell policy of the military. I had a best friend and great grandma die when I was in middle school and I never cried. I didn't feel like I was supposed to cry.  I was tough. I grew up in the country with two brothers. I liked being outside, much of a tomboy. I also grew up seeing my older brother cry when my dad yelled at him and I was way too stubborn to allow my Dad's yelling to get to me. I had a competitive, killer instinct with no emotion at a very young age.  I felt like toughness was rewarded. To show emotion was weak and nobody knew what to do with it anyway. My older brother was always jealou of me because he thought I got more attention as we grew up. I remember he asked me to fold towels and I said in a minute. He put his forearm in my throat and put me up against the wall. He asked if I was too good to do chores. Well when I was freshman he was a senior in a high school of 500 kids. You can imagine we ran into each other a lot. He never recognized me as his sister. He never said hi.  To make matters worse I was promoted to varsity volleyball, basketball and softball. So now we travelled in the same circles kind of. I was pulling straight A's because there weren't any other options. I was involved in youth group at church and a perfect child at least on the exterior.  I enjoyed playing basketball the most and dreamed of playing in the Olympics, even though my parents dimissed that as a crazy idea and that I would never be good enough. I practiced basketball everyday.  Shooting, Shooting, shooting.  Dribble, Dribble, Dribble. My freshman year the varisty basketball team made it to regional finals against our biggest rivals.  The gym was packed and very loud.  I wasn't a starter because of an early season knee strain.  I am not sure what point of the game but one of the seniors got hurt and the coach put me in. I went on to help the team win the game. It was insane, crazy, fun all at the same time. I had made quite an impact in the game and so I had a couple of newspaper interviews after the game.  For a freshman I was riding quite a wave of excitement. Region champs was a big deal and I was happy to get to sectionals. The next time we had practice there were a couple of seniors not too happy a freshman "out shone" them. It was very physical under the basket and received a lot of elbows and hard fouls that I shouldn't have.  Coach didn't say anything nor did any other players. I took my "beating" and moved on. The next game we lost. I don't even remember how I played. I played varisty softball without much trouble.  My brother graduated 3rd in his class and was heading off to college. I was lost really with no class and friends to call my own.  I didn't mesh with my own class because I spent most of the time with the upperclass and they didn't want to hang out with me because they where going to college.  I guess I felt I didn't need support because everywhere I turned I didn't get support. My parents were happy that their kids were smart and athletic and "famous" in our small town. I had a goal of being a Division I college basketball player and for that I didn't need anybody I just needed to work harder.