You could say this weekend for me was a roller cooster of emotions but overall the ride was worth it. Saturday was very interesting. I saw a side of my husband that was so strange I did not know who he was. He was such a stranger. His reactions aswere way over the top on the smallest of matters and he seemed to be almost manic and uncontrollable. I eventually asked him to stop being a Jerk. As the day progressed he went out to run errands for us and Patrick went to his dads. Finally I had a few minutes alone to process my thoughts. I went for a run to try to clean my head and get rid of my headache. It was a relatively nice day out for March, just a little windy. The run was good. I pushed hard. Trying to erase my feelings and emotions. I have always used exercise to run away from dealing with emotions. During the end of my first marriage I once exercised 360 days that year. I became addicted to exercise as a means to manage my feelings. Punish myself physically to dull the pain. This run didn't help do that. You see I have let my husband completely into my heart. There is not a part of me that he doesn't have. I worked so hard to make myself open and available emotionally to him. After my run I recorded my data as I am returning to triathlons this season and like to keep track of my training. My legs started to shake. Hmmm, I hadn't run that hard. I began to wring my hands. Ah I remember this feeling panic attack. I text my husband to ask where he was and to say I needed him. He said he was getting paint for the house and would be home soon. I told him I was going to take a shower to calm down. When he got home I was still in the shower crying harder then I have ever cried before. I was curled up in the corner of the shower, and the water was cold. I was bawling, shaking and praying. That got his attention. We talked. I told him that I felt alone and abandoned and that I needed him and our relationship in a deeper emotional connection. We also talked about his behavior that day and he admitted that he just felt wired and couldn't control himself. We ended up going out on a date just the two of us because Patrick was still at his Dad's. God had answered my prayer. My heart was starting to heal. Sunday was an amazing day. I got some sleep finally. Then we ended up painting the house. It feels like a home now. My husband was very attentive to my emotional needs and we just enjoyed the day very peacefully painting together. Finally making the house ours and no longer just mine in feeling. I don't feel normal yet. The depression is still there. The anxiety is gone. I really don't like anxiety. I feel like my medications might no longer be working as well as they should. I just want to be me again. My sleep last night was broken again. I am chalking it up to the time change. I am thinking about restarting Melatonin to help me sleep. Note sure what demons are bothering me at night.
This is an amazing story. You seem to have come a long way - look how much you recognized as it was happening! You saw that you were running because your feelings were too big. you recognized the signs of a panic attack, you asked your husband for help, you see that God is providing for you... I can see this feels scary, but to me it looks hopeful.
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