I have been here before, totally crushed.

It started tonight as a typical Thursday.   Counseling and dinner out just the two of us.    We started counsel pretty soon after we got married.  You see approximately 75% of second marriages fail so we wanted to make sure we were doing everything we could to be in the 25% success rate.   Counseling started with the usual banter, how are things, how was your week etc.   We moved onto financial stressers because we seem to have a lot of those these days.   Ryan was sent to a group home for troubled teen boys and that isn't cheap.  We owe the IRS money and oh yeah the washer flooded the house this week too.  The fingers of depression have been grasping at me very strongly again.   I feel alone, unloved, and that i have to handle the house, child, bills and oh yeah I work full time in a stressful job.  He has been sleeping a lot lately his job is stressful too.   He gets up early and takes very long afternoon naps leaving me to fix dinner and play with Patrick all at the same time.   The biggest issue is that i feel like he has checked out.   I asked him today what we talked about yesterday and he said his work, radio show and politics.   I asked him how was my day yesterday and he got defensive and started defending himself in a loud voice.   Mary, our counselor, stepped in to diffuse the situation.   I was shocked by his reaction.   I wanted him to hug me and say babe it will be okay.  I am here for you and we will make it work.  he reacted the opposite.   I was shocked.   I choked back tears and that familiar pain in my head and stomach started.  My breath quickened and I wanted to run out of the room.  I felt unloveable, abandoned, sad, depressed.   I turned to him and I said I need you to be my husband to support me because I am falling.   I am afraid.   I don't understand why he has emotionally turned his back.  I need his support in my life.   I don't want to get so depressed I end up back in the hospital.  Is there something wrong with me?  I have been down this emotional abandoment the first marriage.   I have never feltso hurt in my life.   We left counseling and headed out to dinner.   We talked in the car.   He was mad and probably still is, he is sleeping.   i told him i needed a hug but that didn't happen.  Is it too much to ask for help.  i cried in the car and said again i needed him because depression was closing in ever closer and closer.   it is so hard because i know God brought us together.    i pray that God works in both our hearts to bring us back in harmony.  I think I am off to bed.   I no longer feel like crying I am numb.  i will kiss patrick goodnight and attempt to sleep.