I thought it was the end....

 I thought it was the end.   I remember the day like it was yesterday. The feelings are flooding back as I type this.    The end began on a wednesday evening.   You see I hadn't slept more then 3-4 hours for the last three months leading up to that day.   I spent a lot of time crying laying on the bathroom floor.   I used to put Patrick to bed and I couldn't handle the three older boys.   The house was in chaos and I was trying to be the glue that held things together.     I often just let them run the house at night.   My husband was working odd hours so I was left to manage things.  My husband had switched jobs but was now going to bed early to get up at 2 in the morning.   That thursday early morning, Patrick was at his dad's, and as my husband got up for work I announced to him that I was going to the ER for help.   I had spoke to a Dr. friend of mine the night before and he had arranged for me to pick up an anti-depressant the next day when I came to work.   My husband was concerned and offered to go with me to the ER.   I was fried.   My brain was so wound up that I could not shut it down.   Sleep was not possible.   I had been running on empty for too long.   If only I could sleep I was convinced that was all I needed.   One night, well maybe two nights is all I needed.   I checked into the ER and was placed in a room.   I was given an anti-anxiety medication that made me drowsy for awhile.   Not sure that I slept.   The social worker finally came in at around 6 am I think.   Essentially she told me to suck it up.   My life was tough now but would get better.   I left with prescriptions for ambien, xanax, and told to pick up the Lexapro from my Dr.   My husband was with me the rest of the day and the next.   That was comforting.   The ambien did not seem to work for sleep but it produced some really weird hallucinations.   I was still struggling.   Patrick spent the day with me on saturday, my husband went to Ryan's wrestling meet.    I laid in bed the whole day.   I think I fed patrick but I wasn't sure.   I was drugged up on xanax.   Anxiety was still present.   Sunday was supposed to be a family party.  I sent everyone and decided to stay home.   I laid on the couch watching the Bears games between xanax induced stupors.   I was so anxious by the time everyone got home.  Patrick was staying at his grandparents.   I planned to call Psychiatrists on Monday to get more help.  Monday the older boys went to school.   Patrick was safe at his grandparents.   My husband was at work and I was all alone.   After being unsucessful to get any appointments I felt hopeless.  I tried to make myself eat and drink.   I took a small bite of PB sandwich and couldn't choke down any water.   The school called to say Ryan was in trouble again.   It was more then I could take.   I called my husband....  I am going to the ER.   I will make them help me  I said.   I remember taking a xanax and walking out the door and getting into the car.

I need to take a break and get back into reality for a moment.   This is very hard to relive.  More later......