I hurt today in a way I have not really experienced. Emotional pain is not something I have ever made myself deal with. I was never equipped with the software to be emotional. Growing up emotions were not really stressed. Now I hurt in my heart. It is broken in a million pieces by a man who I never thought would do this. I don't really want to go home tonight. We have texted today but nothing of importance, the usual. Tears have wanted to fall multiple times today but I have choked them back. I don't know how to face him or what to say. I trusted him with my emotions. I let him in to my heart in a way I never have anyone before and I can't close it. God is challenging me to keep it open to him. Just love him. I have prayed so hard for this pain to go away. I have prayed for his and my heart to be in harmony again. I need him so much. I can't do this without him. The box of depression is back and the lid is closing. I just want to be loved and supported. I know he has pain too. I know he has stress too. How much can I ask him to give to me. I don't want anything but to be paid attention too. To act like I am something other then the maid, cook, mom and multiple other duties. I am so sad but not beyond healing. I want to curl up and sleep but I am too exhausted and I have Patrick to take care of and work and things around the house. There is never a break. I feel empty. While biking today I was listening to Christian music and there was a reprieve in pain. I had some peace. I am putting my hope in God to ease my pain. I am trusting in the One who can bring peace. I am scared though. I don't want to go back to the hospital not because it was bad but because I don't want to feel what you need to feel to get there. My son needs me. Please God ease the pain.
Ugh. I hear your pain. I feel your pain. I am so thankful for the sturdy hope God has given you even in the middle of this misery.
ReplyDeleteGod is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way,
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells... Ps 46:1-4