I thought it was the end--Part 2

Please read the first part of this post for this to make sense...
I am not sure if I had showered before I got in the car.  I had sweatpants, t-shirt and sweatshirt, no socks and a pair of tennis shoes on .   I thought to grab all of my current meds and throw them in my purse.   I took a xanax or was it ativan I  don't really remember.   I knew I had about 30 min to get to the hospital before the ativan kicked in and made me drowsy.   My legs where still shaking as I got in the car.   I drove right by Patrick's school where he was and probably for the first time didn't even  think about him.   At that point I just didn't care if I saw him again.  He was safe at school and my parents were taking good care of him.   I didn't
even say an "I Love You" as I drove by.   The rest of the trip I don't really remember.  The only thing I remember was the big office building on the corner, the CDW building,  off the exit from the interstate where I got off.  The car was on auto pilot it seemed.   I was going back to the same hospital that discharged me 4 days before.    I was taking a risk I knew because I would have been totally devastated at this point if they turned me away again.   I already didn't trust myself any longer.   I already was so hopeless that I didn't care if I saw my biological son and my husband again.   They were no longer a thought in my mind.   I had lost all desire to live.    I must have looked very distraught walking into the ER because I was processed very quickly into the triage nurses room.   I remember begging the nurse to not send me home again.   I grabbed his arm and begged please, please don't send me home you can't send me home.   He said it wasn't his decision but he would tell the Dr my wishes.   I was immediately taken to a room and asked to get into gown.(last time I went they didn't even ask me to change into a gown)  I was hoping this was progress.   My legs were just shaking like crazy as I lay on the gurney.  I begged the nurse again not to send me home.   I don't remember even giving a history.   I don't remember talking to the Dr.   I do remember that they drew some blood and started an IV.   I hadn't drank any fluids in at least a day maybe two, well at least not enough.    My husband showed up and then my mom.  I hadn't called anyone I guess my husband had.   I think he was scared, he knew how bad I was and he also knew he had to get me admitted.   I had gotten some IV ativan which had knocked down the panic some but I was still shaking.    My pastor came and prayed for me.   Then the social worker came in I was relieved it was not the same one who essentially told me to suck it up a few days ago and sent me home.   I grabbed her arm and once again pleaded with her not to send me home.   She asked me if I was suicidal and I answered by saying I don't want to live like this anymore.  She stepped out and the Dr. came into to tell me they were working on placement for me.   At that point I didn't care what that meant I just knew I was going to get help.   I started to relax a little.   I had pled my case and was successful.   There was a sliver of hope, like the first ray of sun thru the clouds in the morning.   I was given two options of places to go and made a choice.   The social worker made all the arrangements.   My clothes were bagged.  I said my goodbyes to my husband.  We were told that I would only be able to see him thirty minutes twice a week, phone calls were limited, and my blackberry would be taken from me.   He cried.    I began to shake again and asked for medication for the ambulance ride.   I was wrapped in a blanket and wheeled out on a stretcher into the back of an ambulance.  I remember looking at the lockers in the back of the ambulance bay.  I was placed into the ambulance facing toward the back.  The doors were closed and out we went.. The ride was about an hour or so.   The facility that I had choosen was further away but I felt overall better for me.   It was weird riding in the back of the ambulance backwards in the dark.   The two EMT/Paramedics were sitting in the front talking to each other.   It was cold, dark and lonely in the back.   I was trying to read the interstate signs out the back of the window of the ambulance to see were we where.   I was no longer shaking just numb and I had no idea where I was going or how this all worked or how long I was going to be there.  I just knew that I would be safe......
(It was very emotional to write this but therapeutic all at the same time.  Some of these details I haven't shared with anyone.   Finally nice to get them out of my head.)
More later.....I need a break.