So I haven't blogged in quite sometime. Seems like I have allowed myself to just go off the grid so to say. I feel like I am in a bubble and don't really want to get out. I just feel like I want to be left alone. If I could I would take my son and move to the mountains. Have a nice veggie garden and just be a hermit. Not sure why I feel this way. My counselor keeps telling me I am depressed and I keep saying no that can't be it I am just tired. Tired of always being the responsible person. Is it wrong to just want to disappear for awhile. I haven't been answering emails or really just participating in life. I haven't been riding with the church group or even remotely thought about joining this running group I know of. I am definitely withdrawn, my appetite has been poor, and sleep has become an issue. I even want to quit counseling and just let it ride. When does depression stop? Will I ever get better? I am tired of doing everything I am supposed too for this issue. Maybe this is as happy as I will get. I am not so depressed that I feel like crying all the time for the most part I am still very functional. I work, handle family issues, workout, spend time with my sweet boy and my husband. I just feel like I am in a bubble and I am tired of talking about stuff--can't it just get better on it's own. Last night my husband asked me how was counseling and I responded we talked about the usual nothing new or earth shattering. This is the first time I haven't gone into detail and at 10 pm at night I didn't want to get into it because I knew we where both tired. I am angry too. Frustrated. I feel like I am the only one taking responsibility for my step son financially who is currently living at a boys ranch. I am tired of hearing my husband complain about his job when I have invested so much. It would be nice to feel as if he could contribute too. I had looked into maybe doing some moonlighting but don't think it would be feasible. I feel very sad now. I suppose I didn't want to actually have to deal with these issues. I just wanted to ignore and hope they go away. I just needed a break from dealing with things. In the mean time I have totally lost all contact with other people. I guess the financial stressors have made me not trust my husband to do his part and therefore I feel like maybe I can't trust anyone. So much of my life has been filled with disappointments at every turn about feeling abandoned and not supported. Makes me just revert back to go it alone, trust no one, do it yourself, and be responsible for everything. I really have stopped letting my husband in to the placed in my emotional life I need him. I need to tell him how I feel about our financial situation and how I need him to keep contributing in every way he can. We are pretty close to being in real trouble at this point. Seems like every time we try to dig out someone is more quickly digging behind us. Do I have a good paying job, yes and I am very blessed to do the job that I love but I don't want to handle every financial situation just because I have the potential to earn more. After I got divorced I cut my budget to nothing. TV, internet, home phone--all gone. Sold my car for a car with a lower payment, refinanced the house and turned things around. I took complete financial responsibility for everything of my current husband and to continue to do that 2 1/2 years later still hurts, makes me feel taken advantage of. I know he is not doing it maliciously but it is still happening. I don't want to carry this family forever. If I was a single mom I would have the financial ability to work 4 days per week and be more involved with my son. When you are looking up from a deep financial hole you start to think about things like this. I have kept all of this frustration from my husband and I am not sure why. Seems like he just gets frustrated and does not want to talk about it. He doesn't like his job and would like to do something in ministry but can't because of our financial situation, well I guess it is his. I had my stuff together before we where married and he didn't. I feel like he needs to realize and take responsibilities for the decisions he made in his life before me and also realize that he needs to be grateful for what he has now but not take it for granted. I feel like my money and ability to earn money has been taken for granted and maybe advantage of especially when he complains about his job or the fact that he doesn't have the ability to do what he wants. Well I worked my tail off to have the job that I do. I have a career that is fulfilling and I enjoy very much what I do and this is the place God wants me to be, the career he wants me to be in. I understand my husbands frustration over not having that feeling but he has to own up to the decisions he made to get married the first time very young and have kids when he was young. That is not my fault or issue or anything I need to be responsible for. I did and do take responsibility for his son who is away right now. Not because of anything to do with my husband and my relationship but because I view him as my son too and I want him to have every opportunity to make a good future for himself and to be a Child of God. Instead of my husband rising up to my level financially he has pulled me into the pit with him. I guess this is such an issue right now because we need to finish paying off the boys ranch and I am not sure how that is going to happen. Every month the minimum balance on the checking account gets lower and lower which is stressful. We have really no back up in case of emergency. Maybe it is hitting me harder right now because I took vacation time off every thursday to spend time with my sweet boy and I would really like to have that be a permanent thing. Maybe it is I am a little more sensitive now to my husbands complaints and desire to do something else. I don't want to be depressed anymore and it frustrates me also. I love my husband very much and I enjoy the time that we spend together he definitely is my partner in life. God brought us together for a reason and I trust God. I know I need to talk to him and to embrace my anger but at the same time believe that he will still love me that he won't turn his back or shut me out emotionally. Things he has never done in the past but things from my past from my ex-husband. They say old habits are hard to break and this is one of them. Me being open to trust in him to trust anyone because I really don't want to be hurt again. I would say the answer to my blog title would after all be depression. No matter how much I try to ignore it, deny it, it is there. When will I be able to get happy and be free again. I wish I had the answer. I need to recommit to telling the truth to myself, embracing help and trusting in God. No matter how much I just want to be in my bubble and be off the grid.
I agree this is depression. I recognize that feeling that it's all too much and could I just check out for a year and two and come back when all this is sorted out? I was surprised when someone told me that's not normal! Healthy people want to figure out how to work through their problems, not how to run away from them.
ReplyDeleteI care about you. God is with you. There is hope and lots of it.