Dilemas

I am breaking one of my cardinal rules tonight with my blog.   I had a rule that I wouldn't blog alone or at night when no one else is up.   Well tonight the blog running thru my head is much too loud and preventing sleep.   It has been an interesting day for me today.   I applied for a loan today.   We owe a lot of money still to pay for our son at the boys ranch.   I was denied the loan.   I have no desire to moonlight and as it turns out we have extended my credit beyond what it can take.   I have most of the debit in my name because I have thebest credit score and have been able to get the loans.  Well I was denied because my debt to credit ration is too high.   So now what do I do.   I might try to re-apply and use it to pay down some debt to free up some other money to send to the ranch.   My son, well stepson,  who is at the boys ranch.   I consider him my son and I regret not once sending him to  a place he can get help.  I am so supportive of him and love him.   I would sacrifice so much and have sacrificed so much to get him the help he needed.   This isn't about blame on anyone.   It is about being in crutch time.   I will cut everything I can for me personally but I will not have either of my son's suffer but how do I make this work.  My husband doesn't really have any suggestions at this point.   I am not sure how we make this work.   The credit card will have to continue to go up to send the extra money to the ranch all the while making sure my sweet little boy does not miss a single opportunity.   How do you make $12,000 drop out of the sky?   I have no idea.   I feel disappointed and dimmscouraged about being in this position.  When I was a single mom before I made sure my  son was well provided for and I cut everything for me.   It is hard to think after so much hard work and turning things financially around that I am in the same position only worse.   Usually I can problem solve so well but this is one problem I can't seem to figure out.  The biggest change I can think of in myself is that I am somehow trusting  in God to somehow keep us afloat to provide the answer.   A year and a half ago I had lost total hope in my situation and had given up.   Now I am trying to have peace and trust in God.   I will not lie that the financial issues definitely can ruin my mood very quickly and put me in a shell.   I don't feel that I can trust my husband to fix this although ultimately he is responsible for paying for his son.   But a marriage is supposed to be a team right.    I read once that 75% of all second marriages fail because of money and kid issues.   I can see that being the case.  Second marriages are hard and we both are working so hard and I love my husband.   If only we could decrease the stress.  We are still happy except when bringing up money issues then there seems to be a split.  I guess I am the one pulling away.   Maybe I need to let go a little and let him try to figure out how to pay for our son????  Such a delicate part of the relationship and where is the boundary??  Who is responsible for what.   How to strike an emotional balance for both of us.   The other continued issue is religion, spirituality, denomination or whatever you want to call it.  My husband is very critical still of the denomination that I attend.   I did make a couple of comments about an author he is reading and he immediately attacks my denomination.  Ahh we are such a work in progress.

So I realized I only seem to write the negative emotional experience so here goes a positive one.   My husband and son's relationship has slowly, slowly grown and improved.   My son has been calling my husband dad as of late.   Today my son told my husband to call him son.   My son also said he didn't want to go to his bio dad's house over the weekend because he wanted to stay with my husband.   It is amazing to see the two of them together.  They both have such fun together and look so comfortable together.  I no longer hear mommy, mommy, mommy all day long which is awesome and a little sad all at the same time.  Tonight my husband says to me I never thought I would be that guy.   I said welcome to being a dad.  You will be rewarded your whole life for the effort and heart you have given that little boy.  It is so genuine between them and you can see the pure love between them.   I thank and praise God for this.   I hope that my husband is able to be a different kind of Dad to the rest of his kids.   I am not sure how to address my son's new feelings for my husband and how this effects his relationship with his bio dad.   My husband has been more of a dad then my sons bio dad.   But at the same time neither my husband or I will stand in the way of his relationship with his bio day.   I pray for some divine wisdom on this one.   Well time for bed.   Tomorrow is a busy day with a full nights sleep much less with a short night.  Starbucks in the am

Denial, Relapse or just very tired?

So I haven't blogged in quite sometime.  Seems like I have allowed myself to just go off the grid so to say.    I feel like I am in a bubble and don't really want to get out.  I just feel like I want to be left alone.   If I could I would take my son and move to the mountains.  Have a nice veggie garden and just be a hermit.   Not sure why I feel this way.   My counselor keeps telling me I am depressed and I keep saying no that can't be it I am just tired.   Tired of always being the responsible person.   Is it wrong to just want to disappear for awhile.   I haven't been answering emails or really just participating in life.   I haven't been riding with the church group or even remotely thought about joining this running group I know of.   I am definitely withdrawn, my appetite has been poor, and sleep has become an issue.   I even want to quit counseling and just let it ride.    When does depression stop?   Will I ever get better?   I am tired of doing everything I am supposed too for this issue.   Maybe this is as happy as I will get.    I am not so depressed that I feel like crying all the time for the most part I am still very functional.   I work,  handle family issues, workout, spend time with my sweet boy and my husband.   I just feel like I am in a bubble and I am tired of talking about stuff--can't it just get better on it's own.    Last night my husband asked me how was counseling and I responded we talked about the usual nothing new or earth shattering.   This is the first time I haven't gone into detail and at 10 pm at night I didn't want to get into it because I knew we where both tired.   I am angry too.   Frustrated.   I feel like I am the only one taking responsibility for my step son financially who is currently living at a boys ranch.   I am tired of hearing my husband complain about his job when I have invested so much.   It would be nice to feel as if he could contribute too.   I had looked into maybe doing some moonlighting but don't think it would be feasible.   I feel very sad now.   I suppose I didn't want to actually have to deal with these issues.   I just wanted to ignore and hope they go away.   I just needed a break from dealing with things.   In the mean time I have totally lost all contact with other people.  I guess the financial stressors have made me not trust my husband to do his part and therefore I feel like maybe I can't trust anyone.   So much of my life has been filled with disappointments at every turn about feeling abandoned and not supported.   Makes me just revert back to go it alone, trust no one, do it yourself, and be responsible for everything.   I really have stopped letting my husband in to the placed in my emotional life I need him.    I need to tell him  how I feel about our financial situation and how I need him to keep contributing in every way he can.   We are pretty close to being in real trouble at this point.   Seems like every time we try to dig out someone is more quickly digging behind us.    Do I have a good paying job, yes and I am very blessed to do the job that I love but I don't want to handle every financial situation just because I have the potential to earn more.    After I got divorced I cut my budget to nothing.   TV, internet, home phone--all gone.   Sold my car for a car with a lower payment, refinanced the house and turned things around.   I took complete financial responsibility for everything of my current husband and to continue to do that 2 1/2 years later still hurts, makes me feel taken advantage of.   I know he is not doing it maliciously  but it is still  happening.   I don't want to carry this family forever.   If I was a single mom I would have the financial ability to work 4 days per week and be more involved with my son.   When you are looking up from a deep financial hole you start to think about things like this.   I have kept all of this frustration from my husband and I am not sure why.   Seems like he just gets frustrated and does not want to talk about it.   He doesn't like his job and would like to do something in ministry but can't because of our financial situation, well I guess it is his.   I had my stuff together before we where married and he didn't.   I feel like he needs to realize  and take responsibilities for the decisions he made in his life before me and also realize that  he needs to be grateful for what he has now but not take it for granted.   I feel like my money and ability to earn money has been taken for granted and maybe advantage of especially when he complains about his job or the fact that he doesn't have the ability to do what he wants.   Well I worked my tail off to have the job that I do.   I have a career that is fulfilling and I enjoy very much what I do and this is the place God wants me to be, the career he wants me to be in.   I understand my husbands frustration over not having that feeling but he has to own up to the decisions he made to get married the first time very young and have kids when he was young.   That is not my fault or issue or anything I need to be responsible for.    I did and do take responsibility for his son who is away right now.   Not because of anything to do with my husband and my relationship but because I view him as my son too and I want him to have every opportunity to make a good future for himself and to be a Child of God.   Instead of my husband rising up to my level financially he has pulled me into the pit with him.   I guess this is such an issue right now because we need to finish paying off the boys ranch and I am not sure how that is going to happen.   Every month the minimum balance on the checking account gets lower and lower which is stressful.   We have really no back up in case of emergency.   Maybe it is hitting me harder right now because I took vacation time off every thursday to spend time with my sweet boy and I would really like to have that be a permanent thing.  Maybe  it is I am a little more sensitive now to my husbands complaints and desire to do something else.    I don't want to be depressed anymore and it frustrates me also.  I love my husband very much and I enjoy the time that we spend together he definitely is my partner in life.   God brought us together for a reason and I trust God.    I know I need to talk to him and to embrace my anger but at the same time believe that he will still love me that he won't turn his back or shut me out emotionally.   Things he has never done in the past but things from my past from my ex-husband.   They say old habits are hard to break and this is one of them.   Me being open to trust in him to trust anyone because I really don't want to be hurt again.   I would say the answer to my blog title would after all be depression.   No matter how much I try to ignore it, deny it, it is there.   When will I be able to get happy and be free again.   I wish I had the answer.    I need to recommit to telling the truth to myself, embracing help and trusting in God.  No matter how much I just want to be in my bubble and be off the grid. 

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Back to the Beginning Part 2 and letting go

Back to the beginning part 2 and letting go....

This goes back to the previous blog about my childhood.   Today I am ready finally to forgive and move forward I think.   Starting to think about this stuff I have become a little emotional and my co-worker just said are you getting ready to blog because you are jittery.   I don't want my past to become my future and I can't get to the future without dealing with the past so here it goes, jumping into the deep end of the pool hoping I can swim.

My sophomore year was probably one of the toughest years of my life.   Even in retrospect of where I am today and everything I have been thru.   Volleyball season that year went well.   I was on the varsity team and even managed to play well enough to earn a couple of all tournament teams.   Volleyball for me was just something to do until baskleavetball started.   The summer prior to my sophomore year I began attendndarieseed toing basketball camps and practicing everyday in my parents driveway.   I loved to play anywhere at anytime with anybody.   This particular season there were high expectations for us and for me.   We had probably 3 gals who could score 20 plus points a night.   We played well together on the court but not off the court.  I felt really alone.   My own class didn't want to hang out with me because we really had nothing in common and the seniors that year were not about to take me under their wing.  Essentially it was every gal for herself.   It was amazing we played as well as we did.   This was the first time I had a coach get on me about my weight.   He was all about the number on the scale and wanted me to be 10-15 pounds lighter.   So between volleyball and basketball  I began to starve myself for lunch and then after supper I would go into my parents basement in full sweats with hood up and run, jump rope, step ups whatever I could do to sweat and purge what I had eaten thru exercise.   For some reason my parents refused to see or didn't want to see.   I was withdrawing further and further into my self.  As soon as basketball started I made a deal with myself to stop starving myself.   I started eating again but depression had sunk it's teeth into me and I had no idea.   I went to my coach to talk to him about how to relate and talk to the seniors on the team but he didn't want to deal with it.   The team was winning.   I spoke to my parents and they offered to get me a cat if I would just quit complaining, shut my mouth and just play.   Oh yeah and keep getting straight A's, go to church youth group and be a model citizen in everything I did.   I was starting to attract attention from college coaches and letters started coming and a few phone calls.   I was barely handling the pressure I was under without adding recruting to the measure.   I was cracking quickly with no sense of suppport from anyone.  I had a trusted adult who worked at one of the other schools in the district and although I don't remember how I even contacted her or how she knew I needed help.   I would call her collect in the middle of the night and just talk.   I didn't want my parents to find out I was using the phone because I was afraid they would prevent me from talking to her.  I can still see it in my mind as I sit at my desk here at work---I am back in my bed at my parents house, it is the middle of the night, I am awake.  The thought in my head is to get up walk to the closet in the hallway, open the door get the tylenol bottle on the top shelf and end it all.   I have no idea why I never got out of the bed.   Never made it to the hallwayand never to the closet for the tylenol.  This is getting pretty emotional for me right now.   My heart is racing.   I am thinking can I just put this in denial in my brain but I know I can't now if I want to get better.   I thank and praise God for being there and providing me with MW who never failed to answer a collect call from some kid in the middle of the night.   I never got to say thank you too her.   Thank you MW,   thru you God saved my life.(the impact of what I have written is tremendous on my heart and I am holding back tears)    

The rest of the season went well for the team.  We made it pretty far in the tournament.   After we lost I let loose in the locker room with tears, uncontrollably.   I could no longer keep it in.   I managed to get composed before heading out of the locker room and my parents never asked what was up.   Well that year I was named to the All State team.   I went to a bunch of basketball camps in the summer.   I went to the weight lifting program at the high school withthe football team(there was no organized girls weight lifting.)   I shot baskets, did ball handling drills and condition almost everyday.   You see I still loved the game.   My junior year was okay.   The team was not as good and I was expected to carry more of the  load.  More recruiting letters and calls.   At that point I was so focused on my goals of being a college Division  I athlete that I didn't need anyone besides what was the point, no one was really there anyway.    My parent's expectations of perfection for me hadn't changed I supposed I just became numb to it and it didn't seem to bother me as much as the previous year.   Well this team didn't go nearly far enough in the tournament and I was blamed for the loss from my coach in the lockerroom after the game.   I guess he thought I took a game off when I have never taken so much as a practice off giving less then 100%.   That was heart breaking to me but it also fueled this superiority complex I was beginning to have.   You see I thought I was special because people wanted me to come to their school, I was doing interviews in the paper and radio, and I was extremely well known in the town.   I used that I suppose to fill the emotional void. I bought into the system of peoples worth being dependent on what they do well.   I am special because I am a good basketballl player.   That all came crumbling down my senior year.   I had a significant knee injury that ended my season right after Christmas.    Surgery was necessary.    My parents wanted me to play a few more games so I could break the boys scoring record.  I already had the girls record and was 17 points away from the boys.   When I hurt me knee it was so painful that I felt like my lower leg was shot by a cannon.    There was no way I wanted to feel that again so I said no way I am going to have surgery.  I didn't really care about the boys record anyway I just wanted to have my knee fixed and get started on my rehab.    You can imagine that having my identity wrapped up into a game that I could no longer play sent me into a deep depression.  I was no longer "special".   God again brought someone into my life to help me.   My PT was a Christian and without knowing it she helped me keep my head above water while I was rehabbing my knee. Basketball had become such a business that I no longer had any desire to play.   The recruiting and home visits and campus visits, my mom recording every point I scored in a notebook and rehashing every play of the game and free throws missed.   That was the last game I ever played competitively for a team.   I had enough.   I informed my parents about my decision to not play in college about 3 week before I was set to leave for college.  Their reaction was classic and I think I have blogged about previously.   They decided not to pay for any of my college because I was making the biggest mistake of my life.   Once again left alone and on my own.   

It is time I forgive them.   I have serious doubts that we will ever reconcile to a relationship that I desire.  But I need to forgive them to move on and with proper boundaries continue to have a relationship.   So mom I forgive you for not giving me the emotional bonding that I needed and for demanding perfection when it was something I could never measure up too. I forgive you for turning me against a game I loved and I forgive you for never being the mom who could be there for me when I needed you the most.   I am sorry you will probably never get to know the real me.

Dad,   I forgive you for your management of our family with your anger and being scared of you.   I forgive you for being a work a holic and not having enough emotionally left for your family at the end of the day.   I forgive you for not being there for me emotionally when I needed you the most.  I am truly sorry that you may never see the real me but I still hope in you Dad.  Your little girl still needs you to fill the emotional hole that has been created.

Explaining Depression

My husband and I had a discussion last night about depression and what it means and how it feels.   I get the general understanding from him that he doesn't really understand the depths that this disease will take you.   I had a difficult weekend and I had mentioned to my husband that I was feeling so anxious and depressed that I was thinking about the hospital.   Last night he mentioned that why would I ever want to go back to the hospital there are so many restrictions there and it is like jail in his mind.   After I talked to him about this on saturday I no longer had a desire to go to the hospital it was more about letting my feelings out and knowing that he was supporting me.   Sharing instead of stuffing and falling deeper into the pit.   I don't see going back to the hospital as a negative.   It is not something I would like to do or experience again but in the back of my mind it is nice to have a safe place when the world around me feels like it is collapsing.   A safety net so to say.   You hope you never have to use it but happy that it is there.   The hospital offers me a safe place when I no longer feel that I am in a place in my life where I trust myself.   Where there is no hope or worth in my soul.  I have been doing amazing in my recovery process.   I am still in counseling, taking my meds, giving myself a break well sometimes, and learning to deal with emotions.   My husband wants the hospital never to be an option and he wants me to deal with things in an appropriate fashion and continue moving forward.   I spend my day at work analyzing issues, making decisions very quickly with little emotional investment on my part.   I used to be that way in my personal life too.   And my relationships were very shallow.   Nothing penetrated my heart, well nothing until my sweet boy was born.    I was super woman.   I could manage a million things in a day and still have energy to workout like crazy.  But I don't want to live in a shallow world I want to connect with my sons, husbands, and close friends in a meaningful way.   I want my boys to have a healthy way of living.   Am I proficient at dealing with my emotions not even close but making progres yes.  Okay so I suppose I should address the purpose of the blog because it has become something else entirely.

My explanation of depression at least for me was being in a pit so deep and dark with no way out.  No stairway no rope no light and no peace from God.   You are simply a shell with no 

emotions maybe close to a robot.   The basic neccessities of life like eating and drinking seem to be just a way to prolong the pain.  The ones you love suffer because you have no love to give.   There wasn't a thought in my mind about the impact on my son.  You just fad further and further away.  Pretty soon in your mind you aren't worth the air you consume to breath.   Your depression box closes ever tighter around you and you just want to die.   If you have never felt this I have no metaphor or example to relate this too to help you understand.   I am thankful to God for putting all the things in place to get me the help I needed and still need.  I also pray for continued health and for understanding and healing and bonding with and support with my friends and family. 

what a long week

It has been a tremendously difficult last week or so in my life.   My husband and I had the argument that we have been avoiding since the beginning of our marriage the church issue.   See I was raised in a particular denomination, and while I do not think that you have to be in this denomination to be saved, this is what I have gravitated towards.  My husband on the other hand prefers a different kind of worship.   I have planted roots in this church with a budding support system, something I have never done before or had before.  I am learning and growing in my relationship with Christ.   Something I wish we could all find at the same church.   Very hurtful words were exchanged between the two of us which I think was more traumatic then the thought of moving churches.   I felt that my husband was no longer supportive of me and that my support system at church was being removed also.   With every negative word spoken I felt a nail going into the roof of my box of depression.   Further sinking me deeper and deeper.   There was some feelings of hopelessness and no where to turn.   I was even kind of mad at God because I was thinking why are we fighting about this God.   Where are you in all this?   I must admit I havent been praying much this week or reading my Bible because I was kind of feeling what like what is the point.   I have made a concerted effort to try but it seems there are some layers in the way.   My son and I went to church on Sunday.  It was hard for me, I felt like an outsider.  There was more of a this is temporary feeling.  Don't invest too much but that is actually hurting my relationship with God.  I went to Bible Study monday and I was in a room with 8 other women and felt so alone.  I was however able to focus on the Word and get deeper with God.   A wonderful part of my support system was there and it was nice to chat with them after.   They are amazing Christian Women who have been so supportive.   This week continues to be difficult.  My husband read my blog and isn't too happy about it and would prefer that I stop blogging.  I understands and respect his desire not to have our business aired in a public forum such as the internet.   I am not sure how I should proceed with that.  I kind of feel like I am being isolated from my support and now one of my outlets in the internet.   My ex husband was a very jealous man and he isolated me from everything.   Maybe this feels familar with my current husband but really isnt.  I supposed time will tell.   I feel like we probably don't trust each other as much as we should.  He is left wondering what I am actually writing and I am left wondering if he is trying to isolate and control me.   Sounds like a wonderful spot for our marriage to be in.   I have counseling tomorrow and maybe we need to go back togther.   I amnot sure what the best thing to do would be.  Last night I felt alone in my house.  Everyone was asleep and there I sat.   I am trying to do what is in the best interest of everyone and be respectful of their wishes but I also need to be healthy.   Wouldn't that be great if it was all the same thing.  I want to sleep again for the whole night.   I was able to take down some layers with God this morning and I prayed I mean seriously had a conversation with Him.   I have some peace now but I know the struggles continue.

One foot in front of the other and repeating the process

So I promised myself I would write a positive blog at some point.   I don't walk around being miserable every moment of the day.   I try to be upbeat and I love spending time with Patrick and thinking about being his mom makes me smile.   He is my wonderful sweet boy.  Progress has been made with my husband and Patrick and their relationship.   He is starting to embrace and except the fatherhood role with him.   There have been absolute moments of wonderfulness between the two of them.   That makes me smile, even right now I am smiling as I think about the two of them together.  
There is pain today in my heart.   I feel like my emotions have been placed in a blender on high speed.   I am confused, hurting, and numb but raw at the same time.   The topic has been lingering over our heads.   Yesterday was not the first time Church had become an issue.  It was so difficult yesterday that my husband got up and left .   I understand his points but at that moment I felt like I had been emotionally punched in the gut.   I felt lightheaded and I thought I was going to faint.   I almost asked the family in front of us to watch Patrick for a moment so I could get some air but somehow I made it thru church.   My husband and I have had vastly different situations at the same church.   I have enjoyed getting to know the ladies at church.   I have gone out on a limb with my story for the first time in my life and I have been received with suppport, compassion,  and understanding.   This is the first time I have been this plugged into a church and I have been enjoying the fellowship and prayer.   My husband has had the opposite reaction at church.   I think Sunday was the last straw.   I don't believe he will ever come to church again at that church.   I am heartbroken because I enjoy this church, the support, and the message.   I have grown spiritually, especially in my prayer life. Patrick has fit in well there.   I always envisioned worshipping on sunday morning in church together.   I am not sure what to do next.   According to scriptures the father is the head of the household so I feel that I should follow my husband.   Is this a sign of end times because husband is pitted against wife.   I am not sure there is a compromise here.   Or at least I can't see it because I am clouded with emotions.   I haven't really wanted to pray or trust in God because in my mind I am blaming God or at least angry with Him.   Why do we have to  argue about church.   Seriously this should be a non-issue I would think.    If we went somewhere else I am not sure I would put forth the effort to engage with the other women.   I feel like I probably would just be withdrawn.    One of the recurring themes in my life is that I trust people and expect them to be there and when they are not I just give up trying.   I go back to my mantra of work harder and you can get through anything.  You don't need help.   I am sure I still would have the friends there but it isn't the same when you don't attend the functions of the church.   It is easier just to give up at this point.   Why fight the pain.  Just give in and move forward right.   Trusting God to work it all out.  Today I am just so bitter and hurt.   That I can't think clearly.   I wish denial would soon come because my emotions are on a very high level and I want them to stop.  

Embracing Anger

So I was given some homework in counseling and it was to explore the emotion anger in my life.    I really don't get angry I mean what is the point?  Seems kind of like a waste of energy.   I probably get mad but never escalates to the point of anger I would say.   My dad and brother used to get ANGRY and had tempers.   I never really wanted to be that person.   Being almost out of control.   I always wanted to be in control of my emotions.   In my first marriage I suppose I got mad a few times and tried to talk about it but the penality was also the silent treatment from my first husband.   The was really no purpose to express anger because there 

was no resolution of the issue.  It was the appropriate time frame of punishment for me carried out with the silence treatment and then everything was fine like nothing happened.   So I suppose I just buried it deep inside and never let myself express anger and then pretty soon just didn't feel anger.    Today I feel angry.   I have been thru HELL in the last few years. Divorce, single mom, then married with 3 step sons all living in the same house.  I have never wanted to blame my current husband for the mess he brought into my house.   But after this weekend I know I need to embrace my anger, admit to it, and let it resolve.   He didn't now the depth of the craziness he brought into the house but it still happened and there was no control.   I found out about some other things that had happened in our house with the boys.   I am beyond angry at a lot of people.   I am mad about how I found out.  How it was handled or not handled.   What exactly happened or didn't happen or will those involved actually confess to it.   The trust is gone and disgust left in its place.   I know my husband did not know about any of this either and was just as caught off guard but I need to hold him responsible for the part he played in bring this in my life.  I can no longer give him a pass.   I will never be able to completely respect him and ensure our relationship moves forward in health.   I can't keep this bottled up or someday it will manifest in a way over reaction.   Today at work I said I wanted to go running thru woods screaming.   I felt like running would kill the emotion and screaming just sounded fun and therapeutic.   I don't know what to do with the recent information I hae been provided with as far as dealing with it.   I am confused my brain is on overload and I am seeing red.   Tonight I plan on talking with my husband sharing my feelings the anger and talk thru this.   I pray that he is receptive and not defensive and healing at our house can continue.    I guess I have been angry, I don't need to be afraid of this and that I have to deal with it.   Well I am off to go screaming and running thru the woods.   Just kidding too cold here and the health club bans screaming on the treadmills.