Explaining Depression

My husband and I had a discussion last night about depression and what it means and how it feels.   I get the general understanding from him that he doesn't really understand the depths that this disease will take you.   I had a difficult weekend and I had mentioned to my husband that I was feeling so anxious and depressed that I was thinking about the hospital.   Last night he mentioned that why would I ever want to go back to the hospital there are so many restrictions there and it is like jail in his mind.   After I talked to him about this on saturday I no longer had a desire to go to the hospital it was more about letting my feelings out and knowing that he was supporting me.   Sharing instead of stuffing and falling deeper into the pit.   I don't see going back to the hospital as a negative.   It is not something I would like to do or experience again but in the back of my mind it is nice to have a safe place when the world around me feels like it is collapsing.   A safety net so to say.   You hope you never have to use it but happy that it is there.   The hospital offers me a safe place when I no longer feel that I am in a place in my life where I trust myself.   Where there is no hope or worth in my soul.  I have been doing amazing in my recovery process.   I am still in counseling, taking my meds, giving myself a break well sometimes, and learning to deal with emotions.   My husband wants the hospital never to be an option and he wants me to deal with things in an appropriate fashion and continue moving forward.   I spend my day at work analyzing issues, making decisions very quickly with little emotional investment on my part.   I used to be that way in my personal life too.   And my relationships were very shallow.   Nothing penetrated my heart, well nothing until my sweet boy was born.    I was super woman.   I could manage a million things in a day and still have energy to workout like crazy.  But I don't want to live in a shallow world I want to connect with my sons, husbands, and close friends in a meaningful way.   I want my boys to have a healthy way of living.   Am I proficient at dealing with my emotions not even close but making progres yes.  Okay so I suppose I should address the purpose of the blog because it has become something else entirely.

My explanation of depression at least for me was being in a pit so deep and dark with no way out.  No stairway no rope no light and no peace from God.   You are simply a shell with no 

emotions maybe close to a robot.   The basic neccessities of life like eating and drinking seem to be just a way to prolong the pain.  The ones you love suffer because you have no love to give.   There wasn't a thought in my mind about the impact on my son.  You just fad further and further away.  Pretty soon in your mind you aren't worth the air you consume to breath.   Your depression box closes ever tighter around you and you just want to die.   If you have never felt this I have no metaphor or example to relate this too to help you understand.   I am thankful to God for putting all the things in place to get me the help I needed and still need.  I also pray for continued health and for understanding and healing and bonding with and support with my friends and family.