Dilemas

I am breaking one of my cardinal rules tonight with my blog.   I had a rule that I wouldn't blog alone or at night when no one else is up.   Well tonight the blog running thru my head is much too loud and preventing sleep.   It has been an interesting day for me today.   I applied for a loan today.   We owe a lot of money still to pay for our son at the boys ranch.   I was denied the loan.   I have no desire to moonlight and as it turns out we have extended my credit beyond what it can take.   I have most of the debit in my name because I have thebest credit score and have been able to get the loans.  Well I was denied because my debt to credit ration is too high.   So now what do I do.   I might try to re-apply and use it to pay down some debt to free up some other money to send to the ranch.   My son, well stepson,  who is at the boys ranch.   I consider him my son and I regret not once sending him to  a place he can get help.  I am so supportive of him and love him.   I would sacrifice so much and have sacrificed so much to get him the help he needed.   This isn't about blame on anyone.   It is about being in crutch time.   I will cut everything I can for me personally but I will not have either of my son's suffer but how do I make this work.  My husband doesn't really have any suggestions at this point.   I am not sure how we make this work.   The credit card will have to continue to go up to send the extra money to the ranch all the while making sure my sweet little boy does not miss a single opportunity.   How do you make $12,000 drop out of the sky?   I have no idea.   I feel disappointed and dimmscouraged about being in this position.  When I was a single mom before I made sure my  son was well provided for and I cut everything for me.   It is hard to think after so much hard work and turning things financially around that I am in the same position only worse.   Usually I can problem solve so well but this is one problem I can't seem to figure out.  The biggest change I can think of in myself is that I am somehow trusting  in God to somehow keep us afloat to provide the answer.   A year and a half ago I had lost total hope in my situation and had given up.   Now I am trying to have peace and trust in God.   I will not lie that the financial issues definitely can ruin my mood very quickly and put me in a shell.   I don't feel that I can trust my husband to fix this although ultimately he is responsible for paying for his son.   But a marriage is supposed to be a team right.    I read once that 75% of all second marriages fail because of money and kid issues.   I can see that being the case.  Second marriages are hard and we both are working so hard and I love my husband.   If only we could decrease the stress.  We are still happy except when bringing up money issues then there seems to be a split.  I guess I am the one pulling away.   Maybe I need to let go a little and let him try to figure out how to pay for our son????  Such a delicate part of the relationship and where is the boundary??  Who is responsible for what.   How to strike an emotional balance for both of us.   The other continued issue is religion, spirituality, denomination or whatever you want to call it.  My husband is very critical still of the denomination that I attend.   I did make a couple of comments about an author he is reading and he immediately attacks my denomination.  Ahh we are such a work in progress.

So I realized I only seem to write the negative emotional experience so here goes a positive one.   My husband and son's relationship has slowly, slowly grown and improved.   My son has been calling my husband dad as of late.   Today my son told my husband to call him son.   My son also said he didn't want to go to his bio dad's house over the weekend because he wanted to stay with my husband.   It is amazing to see the two of them together.  They both have such fun together and look so comfortable together.  I no longer hear mommy, mommy, mommy all day long which is awesome and a little sad all at the same time.  Tonight my husband says to me I never thought I would be that guy.   I said welcome to being a dad.  You will be rewarded your whole life for the effort and heart you have given that little boy.  It is so genuine between them and you can see the pure love between them.   I thank and praise God for this.   I hope that my husband is able to be a different kind of Dad to the rest of his kids.   I am not sure how to address my son's new feelings for my husband and how this effects his relationship with his bio dad.   My husband has been more of a dad then my sons bio dad.   But at the same time neither my husband or I will stand in the way of his relationship with his bio day.   I pray for some divine wisdom on this one.   Well time for bed.   Tomorrow is a busy day with a full nights sleep much less with a short night.  Starbucks in the am