Dilemas

I am breaking one of my cardinal rules tonight with my blog.   I had a rule that I wouldn't blog alone or at night when no one else is up.   Well tonight the blog running thru my head is much too loud and preventing sleep.   It has been an interesting day for me today.   I applied for a loan today.   We owe a lot of money still to pay for our son at the boys ranch.   I was denied the loan.   I have no desire to moonlight and as it turns out we have extended my credit beyond what it can take.   I have most of the debit in my name because I have thebest credit score and have been able to get the loans.  Well I was denied because my debt to credit ration is too high.   So now what do I do.   I might try to re-apply and use it to pay down some debt to free up some other money to send to the ranch.   My son, well stepson,  who is at the boys ranch.   I consider him my son and I regret not once sending him to  a place he can get help.  I am so supportive of him and love him.   I would sacrifice so much and have sacrificed so much to get him the help he needed.   This isn't about blame on anyone.   It is about being in crutch time.   I will cut everything I can for me personally but I will not have either of my son's suffer but how do I make this work.  My husband doesn't really have any suggestions at this point.   I am not sure how we make this work.   The credit card will have to continue to go up to send the extra money to the ranch all the while making sure my sweet little boy does not miss a single opportunity.   How do you make $12,000 drop out of the sky?   I have no idea.   I feel disappointed and dimmscouraged about being in this position.  When I was a single mom before I made sure my  son was well provided for and I cut everything for me.   It is hard to think after so much hard work and turning things financially around that I am in the same position only worse.   Usually I can problem solve so well but this is one problem I can't seem to figure out.  The biggest change I can think of in myself is that I am somehow trusting  in God to somehow keep us afloat to provide the answer.   A year and a half ago I had lost total hope in my situation and had given up.   Now I am trying to have peace and trust in God.   I will not lie that the financial issues definitely can ruin my mood very quickly and put me in a shell.   I don't feel that I can trust my husband to fix this although ultimately he is responsible for paying for his son.   But a marriage is supposed to be a team right.    I read once that 75% of all second marriages fail because of money and kid issues.   I can see that being the case.  Second marriages are hard and we both are working so hard and I love my husband.   If only we could decrease the stress.  We are still happy except when bringing up money issues then there seems to be a split.  I guess I am the one pulling away.   Maybe I need to let go a little and let him try to figure out how to pay for our son????  Such a delicate part of the relationship and where is the boundary??  Who is responsible for what.   How to strike an emotional balance for both of us.   The other continued issue is religion, spirituality, denomination or whatever you want to call it.  My husband is very critical still of the denomination that I attend.   I did make a couple of comments about an author he is reading and he immediately attacks my denomination.  Ahh we are such a work in progress.

So I realized I only seem to write the negative emotional experience so here goes a positive one.   My husband and son's relationship has slowly, slowly grown and improved.   My son has been calling my husband dad as of late.   Today my son told my husband to call him son.   My son also said he didn't want to go to his bio dad's house over the weekend because he wanted to stay with my husband.   It is amazing to see the two of them together.  They both have such fun together and look so comfortable together.  I no longer hear mommy, mommy, mommy all day long which is awesome and a little sad all at the same time.  Tonight my husband says to me I never thought I would be that guy.   I said welcome to being a dad.  You will be rewarded your whole life for the effort and heart you have given that little boy.  It is so genuine between them and you can see the pure love between them.   I thank and praise God for this.   I hope that my husband is able to be a different kind of Dad to the rest of his kids.   I am not sure how to address my son's new feelings for my husband and how this effects his relationship with his bio dad.   My husband has been more of a dad then my sons bio dad.   But at the same time neither my husband or I will stand in the way of his relationship with his bio day.   I pray for some divine wisdom on this one.   Well time for bed.   Tomorrow is a busy day with a full nights sleep much less with a short night.  Starbucks in the am

Denial, Relapse or just very tired?

So I haven't blogged in quite sometime.  Seems like I have allowed myself to just go off the grid so to say.    I feel like I am in a bubble and don't really want to get out.  I just feel like I want to be left alone.   If I could I would take my son and move to the mountains.  Have a nice veggie garden and just be a hermit.   Not sure why I feel this way.   My counselor keeps telling me I am depressed and I keep saying no that can't be it I am just tired.   Tired of always being the responsible person.   Is it wrong to just want to disappear for awhile.   I haven't been answering emails or really just participating in life.   I haven't been riding with the church group or even remotely thought about joining this running group I know of.   I am definitely withdrawn, my appetite has been poor, and sleep has become an issue.   I even want to quit counseling and just let it ride.    When does depression stop?   Will I ever get better?   I am tired of doing everything I am supposed too for this issue.   Maybe this is as happy as I will get.    I am not so depressed that I feel like crying all the time for the most part I am still very functional.   I work,  handle family issues, workout, spend time with my sweet boy and my husband.   I just feel like I am in a bubble and I am tired of talking about stuff--can't it just get better on it's own.    Last night my husband asked me how was counseling and I responded we talked about the usual nothing new or earth shattering.   This is the first time I haven't gone into detail and at 10 pm at night I didn't want to get into it because I knew we where both tired.   I am angry too.   Frustrated.   I feel like I am the only one taking responsibility for my step son financially who is currently living at a boys ranch.   I am tired of hearing my husband complain about his job when I have invested so much.   It would be nice to feel as if he could contribute too.   I had looked into maybe doing some moonlighting but don't think it would be feasible.   I feel very sad now.   I suppose I didn't want to actually have to deal with these issues.   I just wanted to ignore and hope they go away.   I just needed a break from dealing with things.   In the mean time I have totally lost all contact with other people.  I guess the financial stressors have made me not trust my husband to do his part and therefore I feel like maybe I can't trust anyone.   So much of my life has been filled with disappointments at every turn about feeling abandoned and not supported.   Makes me just revert back to go it alone, trust no one, do it yourself, and be responsible for everything.   I really have stopped letting my husband in to the placed in my emotional life I need him.    I need to tell him  how I feel about our financial situation and how I need him to keep contributing in every way he can.   We are pretty close to being in real trouble at this point.   Seems like every time we try to dig out someone is more quickly digging behind us.    Do I have a good paying job, yes and I am very blessed to do the job that I love but I don't want to handle every financial situation just because I have the potential to earn more.    After I got divorced I cut my budget to nothing.   TV, internet, home phone--all gone.   Sold my car for a car with a lower payment, refinanced the house and turned things around.   I took complete financial responsibility for everything of my current husband and to continue to do that 2 1/2 years later still hurts, makes me feel taken advantage of.   I know he is not doing it maliciously  but it is still  happening.   I don't want to carry this family forever.   If I was a single mom I would have the financial ability to work 4 days per week and be more involved with my son.   When you are looking up from a deep financial hole you start to think about things like this.   I have kept all of this frustration from my husband and I am not sure why.   Seems like he just gets frustrated and does not want to talk about it.   He doesn't like his job and would like to do something in ministry but can't because of our financial situation, well I guess it is his.   I had my stuff together before we where married and he didn't.   I feel like he needs to realize  and take responsibilities for the decisions he made in his life before me and also realize that  he needs to be grateful for what he has now but not take it for granted.   I feel like my money and ability to earn money has been taken for granted and maybe advantage of especially when he complains about his job or the fact that he doesn't have the ability to do what he wants.   Well I worked my tail off to have the job that I do.   I have a career that is fulfilling and I enjoy very much what I do and this is the place God wants me to be, the career he wants me to be in.   I understand my husbands frustration over not having that feeling but he has to own up to the decisions he made to get married the first time very young and have kids when he was young.   That is not my fault or issue or anything I need to be responsible for.    I did and do take responsibility for his son who is away right now.   Not because of anything to do with my husband and my relationship but because I view him as my son too and I want him to have every opportunity to make a good future for himself and to be a Child of God.   Instead of my husband rising up to my level financially he has pulled me into the pit with him.   I guess this is such an issue right now because we need to finish paying off the boys ranch and I am not sure how that is going to happen.   Every month the minimum balance on the checking account gets lower and lower which is stressful.   We have really no back up in case of emergency.   Maybe it is hitting me harder right now because I took vacation time off every thursday to spend time with my sweet boy and I would really like to have that be a permanent thing.  Maybe  it is I am a little more sensitive now to my husbands complaints and desire to do something else.    I don't want to be depressed anymore and it frustrates me also.  I love my husband very much and I enjoy the time that we spend together he definitely is my partner in life.   God brought us together for a reason and I trust God.    I know I need to talk to him and to embrace my anger but at the same time believe that he will still love me that he won't turn his back or shut me out emotionally.   Things he has never done in the past but things from my past from my ex-husband.   They say old habits are hard to break and this is one of them.   Me being open to trust in him to trust anyone because I really don't want to be hurt again.   I would say the answer to my blog title would after all be depression.   No matter how much I try to ignore it, deny it, it is there.   When will I be able to get happy and be free again.   I wish I had the answer.    I need to recommit to telling the truth to myself, embracing help and trusting in God.  No matter how much I just want to be in my bubble and be off the grid. 

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Back to the Beginning Part 2 and letting go

Back to the beginning part 2 and letting go....

This goes back to the previous blog about my childhood.   Today I am ready finally to forgive and move forward I think.   Starting to think about this stuff I have become a little emotional and my co-worker just said are you getting ready to blog because you are jittery.   I don't want my past to become my future and I can't get to the future without dealing with the past so here it goes, jumping into the deep end of the pool hoping I can swim.

My sophomore year was probably one of the toughest years of my life.   Even in retrospect of where I am today and everything I have been thru.   Volleyball season that year went well.   I was on the varsity team and even managed to play well enough to earn a couple of all tournament teams.   Volleyball for me was just something to do until baskleavetball started.   The summer prior to my sophomore year I began attendndarieseed toing basketball camps and practicing everyday in my parents driveway.   I loved to play anywhere at anytime with anybody.   This particular season there were high expectations for us and for me.   We had probably 3 gals who could score 20 plus points a night.   We played well together on the court but not off the court.  I felt really alone.   My own class didn't want to hang out with me because we really had nothing in common and the seniors that year were not about to take me under their wing.  Essentially it was every gal for herself.   It was amazing we played as well as we did.   This was the first time I had a coach get on me about my weight.   He was all about the number on the scale and wanted me to be 10-15 pounds lighter.   So between volleyball and basketball  I began to starve myself for lunch and then after supper I would go into my parents basement in full sweats with hood up and run, jump rope, step ups whatever I could do to sweat and purge what I had eaten thru exercise.   For some reason my parents refused to see or didn't want to see.   I was withdrawing further and further into my self.  As soon as basketball started I made a deal with myself to stop starving myself.   I started eating again but depression had sunk it's teeth into me and I had no idea.   I went to my coach to talk to him about how to relate and talk to the seniors on the team but he didn't want to deal with it.   The team was winning.   I spoke to my parents and they offered to get me a cat if I would just quit complaining, shut my mouth and just play.   Oh yeah and keep getting straight A's, go to church youth group and be a model citizen in everything I did.   I was starting to attract attention from college coaches and letters started coming and a few phone calls.   I was barely handling the pressure I was under without adding recruting to the measure.   I was cracking quickly with no sense of suppport from anyone.  I had a trusted adult who worked at one of the other schools in the district and although I don't remember how I even contacted her or how she knew I needed help.   I would call her collect in the middle of the night and just talk.   I didn't want my parents to find out I was using the phone because I was afraid they would prevent me from talking to her.  I can still see it in my mind as I sit at my desk here at work---I am back in my bed at my parents house, it is the middle of the night, I am awake.  The thought in my head is to get up walk to the closet in the hallway, open the door get the tylenol bottle on the top shelf and end it all.   I have no idea why I never got out of the bed.   Never made it to the hallwayand never to the closet for the tylenol.  This is getting pretty emotional for me right now.   My heart is racing.   I am thinking can I just put this in denial in my brain but I know I can't now if I want to get better.   I thank and praise God for being there and providing me with MW who never failed to answer a collect call from some kid in the middle of the night.   I never got to say thank you too her.   Thank you MW,   thru you God saved my life.(the impact of what I have written is tremendous on my heart and I am holding back tears)    

The rest of the season went well for the team.  We made it pretty far in the tournament.   After we lost I let loose in the locker room with tears, uncontrollably.   I could no longer keep it in.   I managed to get composed before heading out of the locker room and my parents never asked what was up.   Well that year I was named to the All State team.   I went to a bunch of basketball camps in the summer.   I went to the weight lifting program at the high school withthe football team(there was no organized girls weight lifting.)   I shot baskets, did ball handling drills and condition almost everyday.   You see I still loved the game.   My junior year was okay.   The team was not as good and I was expected to carry more of the  load.  More recruiting letters and calls.   At that point I was so focused on my goals of being a college Division  I athlete that I didn't need anyone besides what was the point, no one was really there anyway.    My parent's expectations of perfection for me hadn't changed I supposed I just became numb to it and it didn't seem to bother me as much as the previous year.   Well this team didn't go nearly far enough in the tournament and I was blamed for the loss from my coach in the lockerroom after the game.   I guess he thought I took a game off when I have never taken so much as a practice off giving less then 100%.   That was heart breaking to me but it also fueled this superiority complex I was beginning to have.   You see I thought I was special because people wanted me to come to their school, I was doing interviews in the paper and radio, and I was extremely well known in the town.   I used that I suppose to fill the emotional void. I bought into the system of peoples worth being dependent on what they do well.   I am special because I am a good basketballl player.   That all came crumbling down my senior year.   I had a significant knee injury that ended my season right after Christmas.    Surgery was necessary.    My parents wanted me to play a few more games so I could break the boys scoring record.  I already had the girls record and was 17 points away from the boys.   When I hurt me knee it was so painful that I felt like my lower leg was shot by a cannon.    There was no way I wanted to feel that again so I said no way I am going to have surgery.  I didn't really care about the boys record anyway I just wanted to have my knee fixed and get started on my rehab.    You can imagine that having my identity wrapped up into a game that I could no longer play sent me into a deep depression.  I was no longer "special".   God again brought someone into my life to help me.   My PT was a Christian and without knowing it she helped me keep my head above water while I was rehabbing my knee. Basketball had become such a business that I no longer had any desire to play.   The recruiting and home visits and campus visits, my mom recording every point I scored in a notebook and rehashing every play of the game and free throws missed.   That was the last game I ever played competitively for a team.   I had enough.   I informed my parents about my decision to not play in college about 3 week before I was set to leave for college.  Their reaction was classic and I think I have blogged about previously.   They decided not to pay for any of my college because I was making the biggest mistake of my life.   Once again left alone and on my own.   

It is time I forgive them.   I have serious doubts that we will ever reconcile to a relationship that I desire.  But I need to forgive them to move on and with proper boundaries continue to have a relationship.   So mom I forgive you for not giving me the emotional bonding that I needed and for demanding perfection when it was something I could never measure up too. I forgive you for turning me against a game I loved and I forgive you for never being the mom who could be there for me when I needed you the most.   I am sorry you will probably never get to know the real me.

Dad,   I forgive you for your management of our family with your anger and being scared of you.   I forgive you for being a work a holic and not having enough emotionally left for your family at the end of the day.   I forgive you for not being there for me emotionally when I needed you the most.  I am truly sorry that you may never see the real me but I still hope in you Dad.  Your little girl still needs you to fill the emotional hole that has been created.

Explaining Depression

My husband and I had a discussion last night about depression and what it means and how it feels.   I get the general understanding from him that he doesn't really understand the depths that this disease will take you.   I had a difficult weekend and I had mentioned to my husband that I was feeling so anxious and depressed that I was thinking about the hospital.   Last night he mentioned that why would I ever want to go back to the hospital there are so many restrictions there and it is like jail in his mind.   After I talked to him about this on saturday I no longer had a desire to go to the hospital it was more about letting my feelings out and knowing that he was supporting me.   Sharing instead of stuffing and falling deeper into the pit.   I don't see going back to the hospital as a negative.   It is not something I would like to do or experience again but in the back of my mind it is nice to have a safe place when the world around me feels like it is collapsing.   A safety net so to say.   You hope you never have to use it but happy that it is there.   The hospital offers me a safe place when I no longer feel that I am in a place in my life where I trust myself.   Where there is no hope or worth in my soul.  I have been doing amazing in my recovery process.   I am still in counseling, taking my meds, giving myself a break well sometimes, and learning to deal with emotions.   My husband wants the hospital never to be an option and he wants me to deal with things in an appropriate fashion and continue moving forward.   I spend my day at work analyzing issues, making decisions very quickly with little emotional investment on my part.   I used to be that way in my personal life too.   And my relationships were very shallow.   Nothing penetrated my heart, well nothing until my sweet boy was born.    I was super woman.   I could manage a million things in a day and still have energy to workout like crazy.  But I don't want to live in a shallow world I want to connect with my sons, husbands, and close friends in a meaningful way.   I want my boys to have a healthy way of living.   Am I proficient at dealing with my emotions not even close but making progres yes.  Okay so I suppose I should address the purpose of the blog because it has become something else entirely.

My explanation of depression at least for me was being in a pit so deep and dark with no way out.  No stairway no rope no light and no peace from God.   You are simply a shell with no 

emotions maybe close to a robot.   The basic neccessities of life like eating and drinking seem to be just a way to prolong the pain.  The ones you love suffer because you have no love to give.   There wasn't a thought in my mind about the impact on my son.  You just fad further and further away.  Pretty soon in your mind you aren't worth the air you consume to breath.   Your depression box closes ever tighter around you and you just want to die.   If you have never felt this I have no metaphor or example to relate this too to help you understand.   I am thankful to God for putting all the things in place to get me the help I needed and still need.  I also pray for continued health and for understanding and healing and bonding with and support with my friends and family. 

what a long week

It has been a tremendously difficult last week or so in my life.   My husband and I had the argument that we have been avoiding since the beginning of our marriage the church issue.   See I was raised in a particular denomination, and while I do not think that you have to be in this denomination to be saved, this is what I have gravitated towards.  My husband on the other hand prefers a different kind of worship.   I have planted roots in this church with a budding support system, something I have never done before or had before.  I am learning and growing in my relationship with Christ.   Something I wish we could all find at the same church.   Very hurtful words were exchanged between the two of us which I think was more traumatic then the thought of moving churches.   I felt that my husband was no longer supportive of me and that my support system at church was being removed also.   With every negative word spoken I felt a nail going into the roof of my box of depression.   Further sinking me deeper and deeper.   There was some feelings of hopelessness and no where to turn.   I was even kind of mad at God because I was thinking why are we fighting about this God.   Where are you in all this?   I must admit I havent been praying much this week or reading my Bible because I was kind of feeling what like what is the point.   I have made a concerted effort to try but it seems there are some layers in the way.   My son and I went to church on Sunday.  It was hard for me, I felt like an outsider.  There was more of a this is temporary feeling.  Don't invest too much but that is actually hurting my relationship with God.  I went to Bible Study monday and I was in a room with 8 other women and felt so alone.  I was however able to focus on the Word and get deeper with God.   A wonderful part of my support system was there and it was nice to chat with them after.   They are amazing Christian Women who have been so supportive.   This week continues to be difficult.  My husband read my blog and isn't too happy about it and would prefer that I stop blogging.  I understands and respect his desire not to have our business aired in a public forum such as the internet.   I am not sure how I should proceed with that.  I kind of feel like I am being isolated from my support and now one of my outlets in the internet.   My ex husband was a very jealous man and he isolated me from everything.   Maybe this feels familar with my current husband but really isnt.  I supposed time will tell.   I feel like we probably don't trust each other as much as we should.  He is left wondering what I am actually writing and I am left wondering if he is trying to isolate and control me.   Sounds like a wonderful spot for our marriage to be in.   I have counseling tomorrow and maybe we need to go back togther.   I amnot sure what the best thing to do would be.  Last night I felt alone in my house.  Everyone was asleep and there I sat.   I am trying to do what is in the best interest of everyone and be respectful of their wishes but I also need to be healthy.   Wouldn't that be great if it was all the same thing.  I want to sleep again for the whole night.   I was able to take down some layers with God this morning and I prayed I mean seriously had a conversation with Him.   I have some peace now but I know the struggles continue.

One foot in front of the other and repeating the process

So I promised myself I would write a positive blog at some point.   I don't walk around being miserable every moment of the day.   I try to be upbeat and I love spending time with Patrick and thinking about being his mom makes me smile.   He is my wonderful sweet boy.  Progress has been made with my husband and Patrick and their relationship.   He is starting to embrace and except the fatherhood role with him.   There have been absolute moments of wonderfulness between the two of them.   That makes me smile, even right now I am smiling as I think about the two of them together.  
There is pain today in my heart.   I feel like my emotions have been placed in a blender on high speed.   I am confused, hurting, and numb but raw at the same time.   The topic has been lingering over our heads.   Yesterday was not the first time Church had become an issue.  It was so difficult yesterday that my husband got up and left .   I understand his points but at that moment I felt like I had been emotionally punched in the gut.   I felt lightheaded and I thought I was going to faint.   I almost asked the family in front of us to watch Patrick for a moment so I could get some air but somehow I made it thru church.   My husband and I have had vastly different situations at the same church.   I have enjoyed getting to know the ladies at church.   I have gone out on a limb with my story for the first time in my life and I have been received with suppport, compassion,  and understanding.   This is the first time I have been this plugged into a church and I have been enjoying the fellowship and prayer.   My husband has had the opposite reaction at church.   I think Sunday was the last straw.   I don't believe he will ever come to church again at that church.   I am heartbroken because I enjoy this church, the support, and the message.   I have grown spiritually, especially in my prayer life. Patrick has fit in well there.   I always envisioned worshipping on sunday morning in church together.   I am not sure what to do next.   According to scriptures the father is the head of the household so I feel that I should follow my husband.   Is this a sign of end times because husband is pitted against wife.   I am not sure there is a compromise here.   Or at least I can't see it because I am clouded with emotions.   I haven't really wanted to pray or trust in God because in my mind I am blaming God or at least angry with Him.   Why do we have to  argue about church.   Seriously this should be a non-issue I would think.    If we went somewhere else I am not sure I would put forth the effort to engage with the other women.   I feel like I probably would just be withdrawn.    One of the recurring themes in my life is that I trust people and expect them to be there and when they are not I just give up trying.   I go back to my mantra of work harder and you can get through anything.  You don't need help.   I am sure I still would have the friends there but it isn't the same when you don't attend the functions of the church.   It is easier just to give up at this point.   Why fight the pain.  Just give in and move forward right.   Trusting God to work it all out.  Today I am just so bitter and hurt.   That I can't think clearly.   I wish denial would soon come because my emotions are on a very high level and I want them to stop.  

Embracing Anger

So I was given some homework in counseling and it was to explore the emotion anger in my life.    I really don't get angry I mean what is the point?  Seems kind of like a waste of energy.   I probably get mad but never escalates to the point of anger I would say.   My dad and brother used to get ANGRY and had tempers.   I never really wanted to be that person.   Being almost out of control.   I always wanted to be in control of my emotions.   In my first marriage I suppose I got mad a few times and tried to talk about it but the penality was also the silent treatment from my first husband.   The was really no purpose to express anger because there 

was no resolution of the issue.  It was the appropriate time frame of punishment for me carried out with the silence treatment and then everything was fine like nothing happened.   So I suppose I just buried it deep inside and never let myself express anger and then pretty soon just didn't feel anger.    Today I feel angry.   I have been thru HELL in the last few years. Divorce, single mom, then married with 3 step sons all living in the same house.  I have never wanted to blame my current husband for the mess he brought into my house.   But after this weekend I know I need to embrace my anger, admit to it, and let it resolve.   He didn't now the depth of the craziness he brought into the house but it still happened and there was no control.   I found out about some other things that had happened in our house with the boys.   I am beyond angry at a lot of people.   I am mad about how I found out.  How it was handled or not handled.   What exactly happened or didn't happen or will those involved actually confess to it.   The trust is gone and disgust left in its place.   I know my husband did not know about any of this either and was just as caught off guard but I need to hold him responsible for the part he played in bring this in my life.  I can no longer give him a pass.   I will never be able to completely respect him and ensure our relationship moves forward in health.   I can't keep this bottled up or someday it will manifest in a way over reaction.   Today at work I said I wanted to go running thru woods screaming.   I felt like running would kill the emotion and screaming just sounded fun and therapeutic.   I don't know what to do with the recent information I hae been provided with as far as dealing with it.   I am confused my brain is on overload and I am seeing red.   Tonight I plan on talking with my husband sharing my feelings the anger and talk thru this.   I pray that he is receptive and not defensive and healing at our house can continue.    I guess I have been angry, I don't need to be afraid of this and that I have to deal with it.   Well I am off to go screaming and running thru the woods.   Just kidding too cold here and the health club bans screaming on the treadmills. 

Saturday I cried(well at least on the inside)

Today I am feeling a little unsettled and anxious.  Saturday I had a counseling session and a lot of things came out.   I lost my best friend to Leukemia and my great grandma(Nanny) died in about a year when I was 11 maybe 12.   I never grieved the loss.   I never had the support from my parents to ask how I was doing.   No grief counseling and for sure no tears.  I didn't go to my friends funeral or visitation.   I remember having the stomach flu.   I never said goodbye.   Never got to make my peace.   In all reality I don't think I went because I had no idea how to handle the situation.    She had been sick for awhile and so I suppose as a mechanism of handling the situation I blocked her out on my mind.  She had been out of school and couldn't have friends over because of her being immunocompromised.   I guess in a cruel way I was doing what I had been taught.   Put a wall up and not just any wall, the strongest biggest emotional wall possible.   I was cold on the exterior but probably conflicted on the inside.  I suppose I would have loved a tender moment where my parents hugged me, said "I Love You", and offered an opportunity to speak my feelings.   That didn't happened as has never happened.   The thought of that makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable.  The wall goes back up and my mind says I am tough I don't need anyone.  Don't show weakness not to them.   They don't get the opportunity to hurt me again.  To many times I let the wall down, to many time I trusted them with my emotions and my emotional health and they killed it which almost killed me.   I suppose there is a small amount of anger there..   I have tried to talk to them in the past but what has been the point did I get the moment that I wanted no.   I suppose there is too much pent up anger now or fear for me to even try again.   My relationship with my parents is all I think if will ever be.   I forget the hurt of the past.   When I went to college I chose not to play basketball because I was scared to return after ACL reconstruction.  ACL reconstruction was not so common then and I wanted to walk and be active at 30 so I decided to stop playing.   I remember very clearly standing in my parents room and telling them my decision.   I also remember the anger from my dad and him saying I was making the biggest mistake of my life and my mom was crying.  They both had regrets in their life blah blah blah.   I stopped listening until my dad said---well we have no money for college for you.   You always told us you were going to get a scholarship so you are on your own.   We won't pay for this decision.   I think this was about a month before school started.   Thank goodness I had applied myself in high school and had won a lot scholarships.   I would be able to make it.   I got a job working food service in the dorm washing dishes to help.  There are numerous times when this has occurred when I stepped out of the mold their dream and I was penilized.   Even as I  write this I try to qwell my anger.   Not sure why.   My counselor has said I need to explore anger as an emotion in my life.   I always thought it was a waste of time and never changed any situation for the good at least in my world.   I am not sure how I define my relationship with my parents.   I don't harbor anger against them at least not consciously.   I appreciate the fact that they help me out with my son.  Maybe I have resolved to never need them emotionally again and that is why I am not angry.   I know I want to be a different kind of parent.   I know that I will tell my son multiple times a day I love him and hug him. I also want him to grow up with a complete set of tools in his toolbox.   Writting this blog went a hole different direction then expected.   I feel hurt, I have a headache and yes my counselor I probably feel angry.

Back to the Beginning

I was reading a book last night entitled Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. He brought up the fact that we often emotionally or spiritually get stuck in a point in life and can't get past it unless you go back and heal from it before totally moving your life forward.  Like you missed some vital skill you need and you have to travel back in time to pick up that skill. I thought about this last night while laying in bed and I wondered about my past. I also remember my Psychiatrist asking me how long have you been depressed and I was surprised when the words "my whole life" popped out.
I have heard that I was an anxious preschooler.  I guess I cried and never wanted to go but settled down quickly when I went there.;I don't really remember having any anxiety or being shy as a child.  I do remember times where pressure was placed on me at a very young age. My older brother is very intelligent and started reading thru the encyclopedias at age 7. I had my first grade gym teacher tell me that I would be a basketball star for the high school some day. The deadly combination of brains and athletisem. I also grew up in a family where emotions were not emphasised, encouraged or even discussed how to handle. It was almost like the don't ask don't tell policy of the military. I had a best friend and great grandma die when I was in middle school and I never cried. I didn't feel like I was supposed to cry.  I was tough. I grew up in the country with two brothers. I liked being outside, much of a tomboy. I also grew up seeing my older brother cry when my dad yelled at him and I was way too stubborn to allow my Dad's yelling to get to me. I had a competitive, killer instinct with no emotion at a very young age.  I felt like toughness was rewarded. To show emotion was weak and nobody knew what to do with it anyway. My older brother was always jealou of me because he thought I got more attention as we grew up. I remember he asked me to fold towels and I said in a minute. He put his forearm in my throat and put me up against the wall. He asked if I was too good to do chores. Well when I was freshman he was a senior in a high school of 500 kids. You can imagine we ran into each other a lot. He never recognized me as his sister. He never said hi.  To make matters worse I was promoted to varsity volleyball, basketball and softball. So now we travelled in the same circles kind of. I was pulling straight A's because there weren't any other options. I was involved in youth group at church and a perfect child at least on the exterior.  I enjoyed playing basketball the most and dreamed of playing in the Olympics, even though my parents dimissed that as a crazy idea and that I would never be good enough. I practiced basketball everyday.  Shooting, Shooting, shooting.  Dribble, Dribble, Dribble. My freshman year the varisty basketball team made it to regional finals against our biggest rivals.  The gym was packed and very loud.  I wasn't a starter because of an early season knee strain.  I am not sure what point of the game but one of the seniors got hurt and the coach put me in. I went on to help the team win the game. It was insane, crazy, fun all at the same time. I had made quite an impact in the game and so I had a couple of newspaper interviews after the game.  For a freshman I was riding quite a wave of excitement. Region champs was a big deal and I was happy to get to sectionals. The next time we had practice there were a couple of seniors not too happy a freshman "out shone" them. It was very physical under the basket and received a lot of elbows and hard fouls that I shouldn't have.  Coach didn't say anything nor did any other players. I took my "beating" and moved on. The next game we lost. I don't even remember how I played. I played varisty softball without much trouble.  My brother graduated 3rd in his class and was heading off to college. I was lost really with no class and friends to call my own.  I didn't mesh with my own class because I spent most of the time with the upperclass and they didn't want to hang out with me because they where going to college.  I guess I felt I didn't need support because everywhere I turned I didn't get support. My parents were happy that their kids were smart and athletic and "famous" in our small town. I had a goal of being a Division I college basketball player and for that I didn't need anybody I just needed to work harder.

I thought it was the end--Part 2

Please read the first part of this post for this to make sense...
I am not sure if I had showered before I got in the car.  I had sweatpants, t-shirt and sweatshirt, no socks and a pair of tennis shoes on .   I thought to grab all of my current meds and throw them in my purse.   I took a xanax or was it ativan I  don't really remember.   I knew I had about 30 min to get to the hospital before the ativan kicked in and made me drowsy.   My legs where still shaking as I got in the car.   I drove right by Patrick's school where he was and probably for the first time didn't even  think about him.   At that point I just didn't care if I saw him again.  He was safe at school and my parents were taking good care of him.   I didn't
even say an "I Love You" as I drove by.   The rest of the trip I don't really remember.  The only thing I remember was the big office building on the corner, the CDW building,  off the exit from the interstate where I got off.  The car was on auto pilot it seemed.   I was going back to the same hospital that discharged me 4 days before.    I was taking a risk I knew because I would have been totally devastated at this point if they turned me away again.   I already didn't trust myself any longer.   I already was so hopeless that I didn't care if I saw my biological son and my husband again.   They were no longer a thought in my mind.   I had lost all desire to live.    I must have looked very distraught walking into the ER because I was processed very quickly into the triage nurses room.   I remember begging the nurse to not send me home again.   I grabbed his arm and begged please, please don't send me home you can't send me home.   He said it wasn't his decision but he would tell the Dr my wishes.   I was immediately taken to a room and asked to get into gown.(last time I went they didn't even ask me to change into a gown)  I was hoping this was progress.   My legs were just shaking like crazy as I lay on the gurney.  I begged the nurse again not to send me home.   I don't remember even giving a history.   I don't remember talking to the Dr.   I do remember that they drew some blood and started an IV.   I hadn't drank any fluids in at least a day maybe two, well at least not enough.    My husband showed up and then my mom.  I hadn't called anyone I guess my husband had.   I think he was scared, he knew how bad I was and he also knew he had to get me admitted.   I had gotten some IV ativan which had knocked down the panic some but I was still shaking.    My pastor came and prayed for me.   Then the social worker came in I was relieved it was not the same one who essentially told me to suck it up a few days ago and sent me home.   I grabbed her arm and once again pleaded with her not to send me home.   She asked me if I was suicidal and I answered by saying I don't want to live like this anymore.  She stepped out and the Dr. came into to tell me they were working on placement for me.   At that point I didn't care what that meant I just knew I was going to get help.   I started to relax a little.   I had pled my case and was successful.   There was a sliver of hope, like the first ray of sun thru the clouds in the morning.   I was given two options of places to go and made a choice.   The social worker made all the arrangements.   My clothes were bagged.  I said my goodbyes to my husband.  We were told that I would only be able to see him thirty minutes twice a week, phone calls were limited, and my blackberry would be taken from me.   He cried.    I began to shake again and asked for medication for the ambulance ride.   I was wrapped in a blanket and wheeled out on a stretcher into the back of an ambulance.  I remember looking at the lockers in the back of the ambulance bay.  I was placed into the ambulance facing toward the back.  The doors were closed and out we went.. The ride was about an hour or so.   The facility that I had choosen was further away but I felt overall better for me.   It was weird riding in the back of the ambulance backwards in the dark.   The two EMT/Paramedics were sitting in the front talking to each other.   It was cold, dark and lonely in the back.   I was trying to read the interstate signs out the back of the window of the ambulance to see were we where.   I was no longer shaking just numb and I had no idea where I was going or how this all worked or how long I was going to be there.  I just knew that I would be safe......
(It was very emotional to write this but therapeutic all at the same time.  Some of these details I haven't shared with anyone.   Finally nice to get them out of my head.)
More later.....I need a break.

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I thought it was the end....

 I thought it was the end.   I remember the day like it was yesterday. The feelings are flooding back as I type this.    The end began on a wednesday evening.   You see I hadn't slept more then 3-4 hours for the last three months leading up to that day.   I spent a lot of time crying laying on the bathroom floor.   I used to put Patrick to bed and I couldn't handle the three older boys.   The house was in chaos and I was trying to be the glue that held things together.     I often just let them run the house at night.   My husband was working odd hours so I was left to manage things.  My husband had switched jobs but was now going to bed early to get up at 2 in the morning.   That thursday early morning, Patrick was at his dad's, and as my husband got up for work I announced to him that I was going to the ER for help.   I had spoke to a Dr. friend of mine the night before and he had arranged for me to pick up an anti-depressant the next day when I came to work.   My husband was concerned and offered to go with me to the ER.   I was fried.   My brain was so wound up that I could not shut it down.   Sleep was not possible.   I had been running on empty for too long.   If only I could sleep I was convinced that was all I needed.   One night, well maybe two nights is all I needed.   I checked into the ER and was placed in a room.   I was given an anti-anxiety medication that made me drowsy for awhile.   Not sure that I slept.   The social worker finally came in at around 6 am I think.   Essentially she told me to suck it up.   My life was tough now but would get better.   I left with prescriptions for ambien, xanax, and told to pick up the Lexapro from my Dr.   My husband was with me the rest of the day and the next.   That was comforting.   The ambien did not seem to work for sleep but it produced some really weird hallucinations.   I was still struggling.   Patrick spent the day with me on saturday, my husband went to Ryan's wrestling meet.    I laid in bed the whole day.   I think I fed patrick but I wasn't sure.   I was drugged up on xanax.   Anxiety was still present.   Sunday was supposed to be a family party.  I sent everyone and decided to stay home.   I laid on the couch watching the Bears games between xanax induced stupors.   I was so anxious by the time everyone got home.  Patrick was staying at his grandparents.   I planned to call Psychiatrists on Monday to get more help.  Monday the older boys went to school.   Patrick was safe at his grandparents.   My husband was at work and I was all alone.   After being unsucessful to get any appointments I felt hopeless.  I tried to make myself eat and drink.   I took a small bite of PB sandwich and couldn't choke down any water.   The school called to say Ryan was in trouble again.   It was more then I could take.   I called my husband....  I am going to the ER.   I will make them help me  I said.   I remember taking a xanax and walking out the door and getting into the car.

I need to take a break and get back into reality for a moment.   This is very hard to relive.  More later......

The Peak and Valleys

I got my husband back sometime these past few days.   He went back to the wonderful thoughtful sweet man that he is.   He made my birthday ever so special.   Getting him back has also brought me back to happier times.   He still can't see the dishes stacked up on the counter, the cereal bowl on his nightstand, or his dirty clothes stacked up on the flour in the bedroom and bathroom but he does the little things to make me feel special everyday.   On my birthday he got me my favorite drink from Starbucks, a new basketball and the weather was so nice we went for a walk in a garden I had always wanted to go too.   The basketball was an amazing gift because we just picked up a basketball hoop from a friend who no longer needed it.   I used to play a lot of basketball as a kid and that passion has been rekindled since Patrick has gotten interested in basketball.   I could be out there shooting all hours of the night.   I am sure my neighbors will appreciate that.   There is a sense of peace just out there shooting bucket after bucket.   I can actually still shoot pretty well still.  Today was an interesting day.   Church was good.   We did some family grocery shopping after.   Then I started to get a little cracky.   I don't get much time to myself sometimes.   Patrick was tired and more difficult to deal with usually.    My husband sometimes gets annoyed by this easily and then fans the crankiness of Patrick, leaving me to handle both of them.   Patrick went to his Dad's for the afternoon.   Usually my husband then wants to do a million things together because we don't have Patrick.   I get frustrated because where exactly is my downtime.   I mentioned this to my husband and he asked what can I do to help which was awesome and helped eleviate my crankiness.  
I hope to get to the real purpose of this blog in the coming weeks.  I started to blog to tell my story to help other people but most importantly to get the story out of my head.  I no longer want the memories to rattle in my brain.   I also want  to tell my story to continue to help me heal and to help prevent back sliding.   You see the fireworks of anxiety have randomly started to explode in head.  I have slipped into a pretty significant depression for about 2 weeks which is just starting to lift.    I have questions still in my head and heart.   Who am I at my core and how do I move forward.   Do I need different medications??  The journey continues.

Sun and Spring make me Smile

Today was a good day.    I did manage to have all of my coworkers mad at me but the funny thing it was not really my fault in anyway.  Oh well moving on.   I ran today during lunch.   The minute I walked out the back door into the sun I lifted my arms to the heavens and soaked in the warm glow.   I also felt God raining down peace, patience and kindness.   I am not a sit all day kind of person and I typically don't have a strictly sitdown job.   But today was completely different.   We were slower then normal so I had some quality at  my desk, about 4 hours to be exact.  About 11:30 I began to get jittery and felt like a caged animal pacing around.   I wouldn't say it was anxiety but more energy.   After the last couple of weeks of feeling depressed I felt good, too good.   Then I stepped out the back door and started to run.   I ran toward the lake with not a cloud in the sky.   Water to the east as far as I could see.   There  was a couple of people with dogs and a few other runners, we greeted each other with enthusiatic smiles and waves like we were living in our own secret world.   There were kids and parents feeding the ducks and the crane was out to start the process of  putting boats in the marina, hopefully soon.  I ran the first mile too hard but I couldn't help it.   I had too much energy, the day was too nice, I felt happy, and I was coming out of hibernation.   The second half of the run was a little harder but I got back to the office just in time to fix the chaos and even get to assist in a surgery.  No more sitting for me.   I chalk up today in the win column.  My family thinks that I am solar powered and I am tending to agree with them.   Why is it for me that God seems so close on the good days but so far away on the bad?   Like I am afraid to bother Him.  As I sit here tonight in my newly painted house, which looks and feels amazing, I am at peace.  Praise God.  

One Step Forward

You could say this weekend for me was a roller cooster of emotions but overall the ride was worth it.   Saturday was very interesting.   I saw a side of my husband that was so strange I did not know who he was.   He was such a stranger.   His reactions aswere way over the top on the smallest of matters and he seemed to be almost manic and uncontrollable.   I eventually asked him to stop being a Jerk.   As the day progressed he went out to run errands for us and Patrick went to his dads.   Finally I had a few minutes alone to process my thoughts.    I went for a run to try to clean my head and get rid of my headache.   It was a relatively nice day out for March, just a little windy.   The run was good.   I pushed hard.   Trying to erase my feelings and emotions.   I have always used exercise to run away from dealing with emotions.   During the end of my first marriage I once exercised 360 days that year.   I became addicted to exercise as a means to manage my feelings.   Punish myself physically to dull the pain.    This run didn't help do that.   You see I have let my husband completely into my heart.   There is not a part of me that he doesn't have.   I worked so hard to make myself open and available emotionally to him.   After my run I recorded my data as I am returning to triathlons this season and like to keep track of my training.   My legs started to shake.  Hmmm,  I hadn't run that hard.  I began to wring my hands.   Ah I remember this feeling panic attack.   I text my husband to ask where he was and to say I needed him.   He said he was getting paint for the house and would be home soon.   I told him I was going to take a shower to calm down.   When he got home I was still in the shower crying harder then I have ever cried before.   I was curled up in the corner of the shower, and the water was cold.    I was bawling, shaking and praying.    That got his attention.    We talked.   I told him that I felt alone and abandoned and that I needed him and our relationship in a deeper emotional connection.   We also talked about his behavior that day and he admitted that he just felt wired and couldn't control himself.   We ended up going out on a date just the two of us because Patrick was still at his Dad's.   God had answered my prayer.   My heart was starting to heal.    Sunday was an amazing day.   I got some sleep finally.   Then we ended up painting the house. It feels like a home now.   My husband was very attentive to my emotional needs and we just enjoyed the day very peacefully painting together.   Finally making the house ours and no longer just mine in feeling.   I don't feel normal yet.   The depression is still there.   The anxiety is gone.    I really don't like anxiety.   I feel like my medications might no longer be working as well as they should.   I just want to be me again.    My sleep last night was broken again.   I am chalking it up to the time change.   I am thinking about restarting Melatonin to help me sleep.   Note sure what demons are bothering me at night.

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Brokenhearted

I hurt today in a way I have not really experienced.   Emotional pain is not something I have ever made myself deal with.  I was never equipped with the software to be emotional.   Growing up emotions were not really stressed.   Now I hurt in my heart.   It is broken in a million pieces by a man who I never thought would do this.   I don't really want to go home tonight.   We have texted today but nothing of importance, the usual.  Tears have wanted to fall multiple times today but I have choked them back.  I don't know how to face him or what to say.   I trusted him with my emotions.   I let him in to my heart in a way I never have anyone before and I can't close it.   God is challenging me to keep it open to him.   Just love him.   I have prayed so hard for this pain to go away.   I have prayed for his and my heart to be in harmony again.   I need him so much.   I can't do this without him.   The box of depression is back and the lid is closing.   I just want to be loved and supported.   I know he has pain too.   I know he has stress too.   How much can I ask him to give to me.   I don't want anything but to be paid attention too.   To act like I am something other then the maid, cook, mom and multiple other duties.   I am so sad but not beyond healing.   I want to curl up and sleep but I am too exhausted and I have Patrick to take care of and work and things around the house.   There is never a break.   I feel empty.   While biking today I was listening to Christian music and there was a reprieve in pain.   I had some peace.   I am putting my hope in God to ease my pain.   I am trusting in the One who can bring peace.   I am scared though.   I don't want to go back to the hospital not because it was bad but because I don't want to feel what you need to feel to get there.   My son needs me.   Please God ease the pain.

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I have been here before, totally crushed.

It started tonight as a typical Thursday.   Counseling and dinner out just the two of us.    We started counsel pretty soon after we got married.  You see approximately 75% of second marriages fail so we wanted to make sure we were doing everything we could to be in the 25% success rate.   Counseling started with the usual banter, how are things, how was your week etc.   We moved onto financial stressers because we seem to have a lot of those these days.   Ryan was sent to a group home for troubled teen boys and that isn't cheap.  We owe the IRS money and oh yeah the washer flooded the house this week too.  The fingers of depression have been grasping at me very strongly again.   I feel alone, unloved, and that i have to handle the house, child, bills and oh yeah I work full time in a stressful job.  He has been sleeping a lot lately his job is stressful too.   He gets up early and takes very long afternoon naps leaving me to fix dinner and play with Patrick all at the same time.   The biggest issue is that i feel like he has checked out.   I asked him today what we talked about yesterday and he said his work, radio show and politics.   I asked him how was my day yesterday and he got defensive and started defending himself in a loud voice.   Mary, our counselor, stepped in to diffuse the situation.   I was shocked by his reaction.   I wanted him to hug me and say babe it will be okay.  I am here for you and we will make it work.  he reacted the opposite.   I was shocked.   I choked back tears and that familiar pain in my head and stomach started.  My breath quickened and I wanted to run out of the room.  I felt unloveable, abandoned, sad, depressed.   I turned to him and I said I need you to be my husband to support me because I am falling.   I am afraid.   I don't understand why he has emotionally turned his back.  I need his support in my life.   I don't want to get so depressed I end up back in the hospital.  Is there something wrong with me?  I have been down this emotional abandoment the first marriage.   I have never feltso hurt in my life.   We left counseling and headed out to dinner.   We talked in the car.   He was mad and probably still is, he is sleeping.   i told him i needed a hug but that didn't happen.  Is it too much to ask for help.  i cried in the car and said again i needed him because depression was closing in ever closer and closer.   it is so hard because i know God brought us together.    i pray that God works in both our hearts to bring us back in harmony.  I think I am off to bed.   I no longer feel like crying I am numb.  i will kiss patrick goodnight and attempt to sleep.